May 17th

Sundays are for dealing with existential crises

If it weren't for a wonderful combination of my sister, my cousin, my best friend and my mentor I'm not sure I'd be able to keep my head on straight (i.e. Jen, Tim, Adrianne and Jason).  James was supposed to get brunch with me and go to the gym, but he decided he'd rather blow me off at the last minute to go to his friends' house.  Good timing.  I have to remind myself that he's so much younger than me and is in that "selfish phase" where he can't really see past his own nose sometimes.  I still don't have a phone or I'd call Kate or Colin to hang out.  I should get out of this room.  It's an abyss of self-loathing and doubt and I have to return to it at the end of every day to face it all again.  Last night was really rough, more than I have the energy to go into right now.  I slept horribly but was relieved to realize it was only Sunday when I woke up - and not Monday.  I hope this existential angst will subside and I hope I will find my feet before I come home in 44 days.  I talked to Tim this morning and I said something about how I know the anxiety will pass, because it always does...but it's just that when I am in the midst of it...it feels like it can never get better and that I should just give up.  I worry that people will have such a negative reaction to my anxiety like John did, and shut me out because they can't see the me of me.  I told Tim "You can see the me of me and I hope others can too."  He replied, "That's the best part.  The you of you."  

I just got an email back from Jason (in NYC).  He was a rock for me when I was going through a rough spot when I was in NYC.  Some of my friends here and at home have been not so available for being a friend at the moment, so I sought advice from Jason and he said: 

I don't think you should judge your anxiety as bad...it's how you feel, and that's valid.  The fact is, you are one of the hardest working people I know and you are already a success in so many ways...I know that doesn't mean anything when you don't feel like it, but the challenge is to recognize your greatness in the tough times...if you can do that, then you have accomplished something that most people are too scared to even try. 

Between the entirety of that email, a grande frappucino, chats with Adrianne and a little sunshine - I feel a lot better now.  Jason also said I should write a list everyday of 5 things I'm grateful for.  It will get me to stay away from thoughts of what could happen in the future and what has happened in the past - and just focus on what's good right now.