April 26th - May 2nd

April 6th - May 2nd

!!!!! ( <- Current frenzied state)

Sunday

Today was incredible.  James and I had brunch and then went to the gym for an hour.  I did an intervals on the treadmill for 15 minutes, did legs and arms and then did another 15 on the treadmill.  I have to admit, I was pretty tired, but it's getting back into it that's hard, I know.  I lost 2.5 lbs in a week though, which I was really happy about.  We came back, showered and went to Hyde Park (which will be happening a lot this term, I hope).  We laid in the sun and James read Bridget Jones's Diary, hilariously enough.  

Almost a cloudless sky, therefore plenty of sun!

  

Sunday in Hyde Park with James

Happiness.

  

James reading.  Then James prompted me to take my pashmina and let it blow in the wind :)

We came home and had a strangely good dinner at Nutford House.  We were like, "This is actually good.  Can I say that?  Knock on wood!"  We made cracks the whole time.  Maybe we were just really, really hungry?  Then came back and hung out.  Did some ballet later on.  

Monday

Like the start to some bad 80's movie it's that time again: Back, back, back to school again...(that was for Jen).   

James and I hit the gym at 6:30am for a quick 30 minute cardio session!  Honestly, I've never had so much energy all day from it.  I also slept well last night, so that helped.  We've agreed to wake each other up every other day.  James is in charge of Monday, Wednesday and Friday, I am in charge of Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday.  Saturday he works a double at the Palladium, so gym-ing it is out of the question.  Showers and breakfast were had.  Then it started raining and got cold, which I saw as a bad omen, but tried to stay positive :)  

James and me on my last first day of school.  

"Driving the bus"

It was great to see everyone... it was good timing and I wasn't overwhelmed.  I was a bit worried because there's been a lot of stress circulating, but everyone seemed happy to be back, and best of all relaxed, for the most part.  We had Seminar with Katerina in the morning.  I met with Thomas in the library around 9am.  He brought me chocolate from Germany (shame on him!) to thank me for all the hard work (about a month, really) on the Powerpoint for our Research Project.  Katerina explained what was coming up for us this term, fielded questions like a champ and went through the timetable.  She mentioned she'd spent a lot of time grading papers, and there was a nervous laugh when she pointed out that when she read the essays she could see the fear in them.   Things to look forward to: 

-  Microphone Technique leading up to Radio Plays with a head radio producer from BBC (!)

-  a full day with Cicely Berry

-  a full day with Catherine Fitzmaurice

-  Accent and Dialects with Tim Birkett

-  2 Lessac workshops led by Katerina (the only Lessac practitioner in the UK)

-  lots of Public Holidays that fall on Mondays (less stress!) 

We had to go around and say what the most interesting thing we did over the break was.  Mine was, easily, Jen's visit.  Nia got engaged, people travelled, etc.  After we covered more business we parted ways for lunch, rehearsed our RMO presentation and made adjustments to the Powerpoint.  Then we reconvened for a discussion on where we are at with the presentation and what we need to work on for tomorrow.  Then we successfully presented to one of our RMO tutors, Bex.  She liked it, gave us notes and then we went to the Hampstead for a chat.  

The last thing I had to do today was check to see if there was anything wrong with the Keynote presentation being transferred to a Powerpoint file or if I'd have to reformat it.  Turns out, I did have to.  Turns out I wasted many, many hours on this presentation only to be told that I cannot bring my computer in because there are too many people presenting tomorrow and they want everyone to use a USB stick instead of plugging their computer into the projector.  So having only heard this a few days ago, via email, I spent almost 2 hours in the library on a computer with Thomas to my left for moral support, box of chocolates cracked open, on the edge of flipping out on the tech department - reformatting and literally dumbing down my Keynote presentation.  Thomas was very sweet though, thank God.  If I had been by myself, I would've lost my mind.  I also managed to dictate verbally my email to Katerina regarding the situation as Thomas scribed for me.  We sent the email, finished the dumbing down process and got the eff out of there.  I was fuming.  Thomas reassured me it would be fine and we parted ways.  I headed to Katerina's office to see if she was still there so I could vent my frustration but she'd already left.  I caught James on his way out of a tutorial and he gave me a huge hug.  We ate chocolates on the bus ride home.  It's my turn to be the wake-up-call tomorrow.  I'll have to work extra hard.  Good thing Thomas got a small box for me :)

Tuesday

Hit the gym at 6:30am.  Not sure how long this will last, but staying optimistic that it will be long enough for me to get in shape before I come home.  I proclaimed, "I will not come home fat and pale."  Lots of eating right and trips to the gym and weekends in the sun at Hyde Park with James will hopefully remedy that.  

Research Methods Conference Day.  I tried very hard not to freak out yesterday concerning the Keynote/Mac vs. Powerpoint/Windows bullshit.  Today was not any easier than yesterday though.  I went in early to fix it up a bit more and to print off a handout for the panel.  My team were nowhere to be found until about 10:20am...as they went to the Conference Welcome intro thing.  We were supposed to meet at 10am to rehearse.  We met after that and rehearsed in the student bar (hah!) and then went to set up ourselves in the room.  We were first, presenting to a small crowd and the panel.  It went up virtually without a hitch....the only thing to totally fail were the video clips, which I had gotten reformatted by the head tech guy yesterday.  He apologized profusely for all the bullshit that had gone down with it and Katerina told me not to be pissed off, but I was raging mad.  I don't think anyone realized just how much effort I'd put into it.  I had a brief 30 second cry afterwards...out of disappointment from the whole debacle, despite it going fine, as well as exhaustion and sheer relief of it being over.  It's one more box I can tick on my way to getting my MA with Distinction.  I'm getting Distinction even if it kills me.  I'm also going to get this scholarship.  I'm willing the universe to make it happen.  How's that for resiliency?  

I had lunch with most of the MAVS crew and then watched the other presentations.  There was a great one on beatboxing.  They even taught us a bit.  I love this course.   If I can use beatboxing to teach Shakespeare - I'm gold.  

I'm going to take a well deserved nap, have dinner then work on my research proposal.  James stopped in around 9pm to tell me about his day.  He's knee-deep in work as well and we're only two days in.  He's been put in charge of their large production they're doing in Cornwall at the Minnack theatre.  What a day.  Sigh.  63 days.

Wednesday

James's turn to wake me up.  On my day off.  I told him it was fine last night and that I knew I wouldn't go back to bed after that, so I went in and did leg strength training then we had breakfast.  I got some work done and went back to the gym to do 15 minutes of treadmill intervals, arms and then another 15.  It's getting easier, which is nice!   Showered and headed to find a new journal for this term as well as get my phone charged.  The journal I wanted was out of stock and after going to four Vodafone stores I gave up.  The usually have a charger machine (where you put your phone in a safe and plug it in and take a key...you pay like £1 for 30 minutes or whatever.  They didn't have the right charger for my phone, so I called Customer Service again and they said the charger was out of stock but that they'd send me one ASAP.  Right.  So I had to send an email out saying I would be without a phone until further notice.  

I went to school to do some work and then got sushi and tried another store for my journal on the way home.  Success.  The sushi was exactly what I needed.  I sent some more emails and took a nap when I got back.  I figured I'd relish in taking a nap before my schedule becomes too crazy.  Dinner was pasta that didn't taste like anything and brocolli.  Maybe I'll lose the weight after all!  

Thursday

Day 5 of gym-ing it with James.  A success.  Granted, I slept so horribly last night (a wonderful combination of stressing about the phonetics exam today, the drama with my phone and generally feeling like I need some more love in my life) that I barely could get out of bed, but nonetheless - got up as to adhere to the best friend pact to get fit, to wake James up.  I didn't think I'd be able to do much more than walk, but I actually did more than I usually do.  We got breakfast and took the tube (it's that time again to drop £70 on another month of transportation).  I printed off the preliminary research proposal I'd put together for my meeting with Katerina, then went to the dreaded Phonetics Exam.  This is a nice chunk of our final grade for the MA and although I've got plenty of experience with phonetics, I was still worried because a good portion of it was new territory.  I think I did fine; enough to, in the very least, pass it.  

I went to the PhD presentations (the final day of the conference) to see James Palm's presentation (the director from Trinity).  He was so pleased that I came and afterwards we chatted.  He said he had to run but that he was going to email me because he heard there is going to be a voice teaching position open at Trinity.  (!!!)  I was like, "Um, I have to go home for the summer!"  

Then my meeting with Katerina went pretty awfully.  She told me I got a 55 on my essay which hit me like a ton of bricks.  Mind you - a 55 is equivalent to a low B in the states, so it's not as bad as I originally thought.  I did have a bit of a cry about the essay out of sheer frustration (am I emotional lately or what?  Shouldn't I be used to these high stress situations by now?!)  because I'd redone the whole essay after getting feedback from her and it still wasn't good enough.  Katerina kept saying, "You're disappointed.  Why?"  I know it's just a number, but I thought I deserved better than that.  She said that the content of my essay was of high quality but the structure lacked so there wasn't a through-line.  She said this would be high quality BA work, but I'm at an MA level now.  I wish someone would tell me what the hell that means.  Then she offered to tutor me.  I've never been good at asking for help or accepting help when it is offered.  I always had the gut feeling that if you needed a tutor then you really weren't meant to be at that level.  Adrianne and I chatted about it and she made me feel better.  Peter (from LA) and I chatted too and it was good to have some of my close friends put it in perspective, but I just had this overwhelming, "That's just not good enough" feeling.  

I got a 64 (high B) on my practical performance, which was improved from last term.  I was still really disappointed as I'd put in twice the work.  Katerina kept sayingthat I was being hard on myself and reassured me with things like, "You had a lot on your plate last term with your migraines and anxiety," and "For you to pull these grades with those circumstances means you are doing really well."  It was just the initial emotional reaction of someone putting a numerical rating on your blood, sweat and tears, you know?  And to be told that those numbers are lower than you expected is disappointing.  I'm tired of just being "good" - I came here to make this my career and it should be something I'm great at.  It shouldn't be something I happen to be good at.  It should be something I truly excel in.  

Everyone I saw from my course after the meeting I put on my happy face for.  I can't deal with their negativity.  It comes in masses and it makes me want to run away screaming.  They just drone on about all their stress and I just want to shake them or wave my hands frantically and say, "You're not the only one on this course!!"  I keep my bitching to a bare minimum and it's mostly to Kate and James because I know they'll be objective and honest and at the same time - compassionate.  I was compassionate all term one and put myself out on a limb to help everyone who needed computer help and phonetics help.  Now I feel like saying "do it yourself"...my patience is running very thin these days.  

I'm also not getting any emails, which means I'm sending more...which can only make me look more pathetic.  Learning to be patient is rough work.  

I treated myself to a frappucino on the way home.  I probably could've eaten a whole box of oreos and 1/2 gallon of milk in one sitting, but I figured I'd be good.  Hah.  No sense in kicking my ass at the gym at 6:30 every morning if I'm going to ruin it with my worst vice: chocolate.  Maybe my biggest vice is email.

Friday

I skipped breakfast and the gym this morning.  I slept even worse last night.  I tried really hard not to think about all that went wrong yesterday and how screwed I am, but failed.  I brought Sarah's birthday present, some cards for my mom and Jen and Grandma to the post office.  Then I had a grande frappucino (this morning called for grande) and got on the tube to meet Thomas at Bank.  We got a train to Greenwich and after showing him around Trinity we laid in the grass and ate our lunches.  Thomas has chosen to use my accent for his presentation and I've chosen his.  He's Austrian and I thought that because the first accent I ever taught was German (poor Matt Tracey was my guinea pig) that I should learn how to do it right now that I'm on this course.  I like Thomas, he's very positive and focused.  He's a bit of an over-achiever like me with wanting to do lots of extra work to gain the most from the experience, but I think this is a good thing.  

Thomas and me in the grass outside Trinity.  

Thomas trying out a David Carey voice exercise in the courtyard at TCM.

Me trying to soak up some sun.  Looking pretty pale and awful.  This will soon change I hope.

Then at 2pm we watched the Trinity musical theatre students for about a half an hour and I introduced Thomas and then we went to our classrooms to teach.  My students were actually really disappointing.  They'd retained none of what they'd learned first term and had gone back to old habits.  I felt like I was starting all over again.  Some of their responses to the exercises made me want to pull my hair out.  I don't know how to help them.  I felt pretty helpless myself.  I kept thinking, "Maybe I'm not cut out for this.  Maybe I should've just gotten married and had babies."  When I saw Thomas afterwards, he said he couldn't do his lesson plans because most of them couldn't even just stand there and breathe properly.  But we only see each student for 25 minutes, 3 times over the course of this term.  How am I supposed to prepare lesson plans for these students?  

Of course I don't have a phone and I'm supposed to meet James to go out for birthday drinks with his course.  I get home feeling completely despondent and tell him I am not up for it.  He and I are planning on going to the movies on Monday, so I said we'd at least have that time to hang out.  He told me not to do any work tonight - to just chill out.   I sent some dumb emails (sometimes I swear it's as bad as texting) and then had to get out of my room.  I don't know how I got to Starbucks and back and downed another frappucino but I did.  I felt like such a zombie.  Then I had a good cry to Tim and he tried to set me straight.  I emailed Katerina asking for some advice and then set myself to the task of developing a new research proposal that is Katerina-approved.  

Saturday

I slept so horribly last night.  I kept getting up and trying to do work and getting about a paragraph in and then giving up again.  This must've happened a half dozen times before I finally exhausted myself.  Then I woke up around 3am and made a schedule for my dad of a back strengthening program for him.  He'd gotten an MRI because his back has been hurting and the doctor said he just needed to strengthen it.  So I sent that off and then tried to sleep again.  Up at 6am, read for a bit, back to bed.  Up at 10am hit the gym for an hour, back to do ballet and then breakfast by myself (James was severely hung over from last night).  Then back here to work on my new research proposal.  The old research idea was "seeking to provide theatre actors with the tools necessary to overcome the inhibiting vocal phenomena the occurs with stage fright through Fitzmaurice’s 'destructuring' approach to vocal pedagogy."  But because Katerina didn't like it and said it was too broad she wants me to have the research idea be "seeking to apply the Fitzmaurice approach to vocal pedagogy to text exploration for theatre actors."  That doesn't really help me because the research I'd done is on destructuring and anxiety.  I can use some of the anxiety research for my IPP (Independent Practical Project) but at this point I don't even know how to contextualize this work.  I emailed Jeff Morrison (voice teacher from Marymount), Bex (tutor from CSSD), Tara (my PAT tutor from Term 1), Katerina (obviously my course leader) and Christine Berg (my assigned MAVS grad mentor who's just moved back to Canada) - seeking guidance and help.  I'm not good at asking for help, but I'm feeling like I've just painted myself into a corner and I don't know where to go.  So I've been moping, listening to Jeff Buckley and checking my email a million times hoping someone's got an answer for me.  

Then Jen came online and Skyped with me.  She certainly snapped me out of my self loathing and put things into perspective.  The reality check consisted of: "you're passing this MA course where the grade doesn't matter so long as you're passing because in the real world they're not looking at your grades, just your ability to teach and qualifications"...also that I will be fine and am a capable teacher who should just deal with what's in front of me as far as my students go.  I can't expect them to be hard working or brilliant every time they come in, no matter how much time I've spent working with them.  If they don't do the work themselves outside of class, they'll never progress.  In a nutshell, snap out of it.  

She proceeded to talk me through how I needed to write my research proposal and sent me on my way.  I went to Starbucks (I swear these goddamned frappucinos are saving my life) and then to the library to get the text books I needed for the "contextualization" part of the proposal and came home.  I worked until dinner then made my plan of attack for the long weekend (we've got Monday off for a bank holiday!)  A bit frenzied today I decided to hit the gym again.  Elliptical for 30 minutes - hurrah for me and feeling guilty about frappucinos!  I should be able to, in theory burn 300 calories (because I did today) in 30 minutes every morning.  This is an uplifting thought.  I was listening to Michael Jackson, maybe I should credit MJ instead of my guilt.  Weighing in tomorrow.  (I weighed today because I couldn't wait and all was well).  Abs and a shower then more contextualization to do.  Feeling much better now.