November 23rd-29th

November 23rd-29th

Sunday

Alarm went of at 8:45am signaling me to get my butt outta bed.  Yeah, right like that's going to happen...I got up finally at 11am, and had brunch with James where we proceeded to plan out our day so we'd be productive.  I'd already skipped out on the gym this morning, although we are planning on going later.  Today is for: Microteaching lesson plan, editing essay, Kate's lesson plan, food shopping, then swimming.  Sigh.  I just want the weekend to be longer...

I did my best to release the thought that I wasn't sure if I would have a place to stay in NYC next summer.  I just kept saying, "I have a place to stay in NYC next summer," and I even said it to my mom on Skype a few times.  

It happened - tonight I talked to my friend Kyle, who I went to CCSU with and who I haven't seen since August when I was in NYC for a workshop.  I told him I'd been accepted into the Fitzmaurice Teaching Certification program.  I told him I needed to stay in NYC for six weeks and Jason wasn't sure if I could stay with him because he wasn't sure what his plans were for next summer.  I told him I had to send out a very large check to Catherine Fitzmaurice to lock in my place by December 1st.  I waited patiently for an answer.  He said, "Send the check."  I just laughed out loud.  I thought, "Ask, believe, receive," and sighed.  Sweet relief.  

I started to make my vision board.  I think I realized it was time when I got on the bus last week after a long day.  I wasn't feeling very good, and someone brushed past me getting off the bus as I sat down.  While they brushed past me they kicked a newspaper on top of my foot which was called Independence.  Initially I was like, "Why did this guy just kick this newspaper at me?"  But I looked down.  The words in the headline that I saw at first glance were "the freedom to choose your future" and I smiled.  I tore this headline out, put it in my bag and went home.  Happily, with my colored pencils I'd brought to color in anatomy charts (haha), I made a little sign that says Ask, Believe, Receive.  I also made a smaller one in cursive that says "gratitude".  I looked at it strangely when I put it up.  I knew I'd spelled it right, but just to be absolutely sure (because sometimes I can be a bit OCD about spelling) I googled it.  Kind of silly of me.  But as soon as the answer came up I knew why I'd felt compelled to google it: 

Gratitude, appreciation, or thankfulness, a positive emotion or attitude in acknowledgment of a benefit that one has received or will receive.

My challenge to you (yes, if you're reading this I am talking to you):

Create a vision board today.  Just take a few images of things you want (whether that's a cup of coffee, a new kitchen, a book, a car, toned arms, your goal weight, anything!) and put them up on this board or wall.  Take a few minutes everyday to really look at those images.  Decide what you want, believe you can have it, believe you deserve it, believe it's possible for you and then close your eyes and visualize having what you want, feel the feelings of already having it.  Come out of that and take a moment to focus on what you're grateful.  Do whatever else you would normally do in your day and just trust that it will manifest itself.  Be thankful for those things that you don't have yet.   Expect the things you want as if you'd ordered them in a catalogue and they should be arriving any day now.  

Monday

I met with Kate to do some buddy work, as we only really have about a week until our Expressive Voice Presentations (!!!) so we wanted to get a good hour in of text work.  Then I was supposed to meet with my Microteaching group (there's four of us...) and only Colin showed up so we had a nice chat and then went to Movement.  

We did all Bartenieff Fundamentals and it was like a review of a lot of the things we did in Barbara Adrian's class, but more in depth.  I won't go into detail, but I asked a lot of questions/talked a lot in class, unabashedly, because damn it - I love this stuff and I'm going to learn all I can about it in the time I have here.  We had Voice with Tara afterwards, adding onto Vocal Floor Barre and had a discussion about articulation.

THEN - I went home, had a bite to eat then James and I left for the world famous Royal Albert Hall to see a band called The Swell Season (click here to listen to clips of their music).The actors/musicians Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova formed a band after they did the Academy Award winning film Once.  It was very, very cold out and the walk from the tube station to the hall was about 20 minutes.  I had on high heeled boots (so you can imagine how much my feet hurt!)

Yes, most of the pictures in the hall are blurry because I didn't want my camera to be taken away.  This is usually the case when we go to shows.  We play the "how many pictures can we take before someone asks us not to?" game.  Hah.  

    

Notting Hill Gate station.  Then we got off at High Street Kensington.  Apparently it's Christmas already.  I thought it was still November?

  

We finally arrived at the Royal Albert Hall, picked up our tickets and found our seats.  

  

  

Then we had a brief photo shoot (would I expect anything less with James there with me?)

View from ceiling to floor...

Panoramic video...sorry it's dark and my singing narration is a bit overexcited.

Ah yes, our blurry waspy couple shot.  No show-going outing is complete without it.

  

A couple more "Oh my God this place is amazing, take my picture" shots...

One of the opening bands - called Hare's Corner - all gorgeous, talented Irish men...

05 Emer's Dream (Aisling Eimear)_.m4a

Click this link to download my favorite song by them.  It's all instrumental - the lead guy is a violinist named Colm Mac Con Iomaire - it's really beautiful.  

Unfortunately none of the other videos would upload because Blogspot is having issues.  I've tried to upload them for three days now.  If you clicked on the link to The Swell Season, you can at least get an idea of what they sound like.  

Tuesday

A rough morning, after getting home late last night, but I made it in for Limber with Katerina (I'm determined not to miss one Limber in my time here).  Then we had Phonetics (dun dun dun) where Rick told us what would be on the test.  He said it'd be in four sections and it would be about 2 hours (yikes).  The four sections would be: 1) Label the vocal tract, 2) Classification of Consonants, 3) Transcription from Dictation as well as from written sentences and finally 4) a mystery essay on a topic he would not disclose.  People were not happy with this.  My class is really clever and tried a number of tactics in order to pry more info out of him.  We determined afterwards that it probably has to do with the argument of teaching RP.  Great.  I'll never teach RP as a foundation in the states, so this will be hopefully be really easy for me to write.  

We had Practical Anatomy with Katerina where we continued talking about resonance, and got into how the shape of the mouth and throat effect resonance.  She had phonetic pillows (see pics below) for us to hold and she had us as a class form the shape of the tongue and then would call out a vowel sound and together we'd have to make the shape of the tongue.  

  

Katerina calling out the vowel and us trying to figure out what the tongue should look like.  Niamh loves to have her picture taken :)

  

Smiley Thomas enjoying the "ah" sound.  Love integrating phonetics with anatomy.

Nia got to be the lips rounding or opening at the front of the mouth :)

Some people really hated this, but it's practical anatomy.  I was glad to be doing something fun and a different way of putting it together by getting a physical and visual representation of the work.  

After Practical Anatomy I had a little break to grab something to eat and then had my Alexander Technique tutorial, which I'm growing to really love, the more I practice outside of class.  When I came home I had dinner and then went to the gym for an hour to do strength training, abs and about 30 minutes of stretching - so good.  

Wednesday

God, I love my day off so much.  It's always exactly what I need.  I was cleaning up stacks of papers, handouts and books from school and found my little black London book that I'd gotten from Moleskine.  I am just obsessed with those leather bound moleskine journals that come in all shapes and sizes, blank pages for sketching, lined paged small ones for random thoughts...love them.  Nothing is so sweet as opening a brand new notebook.  (read: yes, I know - I'm a geek.)  Anyway - I opened the little London one which has maps and tabs so you can write in the best places to eat, museums, etc. (adorable) and I found a piece of paper I'd written on while I was on the plane ride here:

I snapped a quick picture at the top of the descending metal staircase to the small 80 seat plane.  A twenty-something African American man who was in a neon yellow vest loading luggage asked me if I'd gotten his good side.  He'd seen me take a picture of the plane at the top of the staircase.  He said, "If I knew, I would've shaved."  I laughed and told him he looked fine.  When I boarded the plane the pilot asked if I wanted another picture, apparently I'm being watched.  I laughed and said, "Sure, of what?"  He pointed to the chair in the cockpit.  "Really?" I asked.  "Of course.  Where are you headed?"  I smiled, "London.  For a year."  He said, "Well this is definitely a moment worth capturing."  He took my picture and said, "Good luck, young lady."  I replied, "Thank you sir, you have just made my day."

On the back I'd written:

As we took off, I tried to look as nonchalant as I could.  There was a moment where I thought, "Oh, there is no turning back now, baby.  You are getting exactly what you asked for."  My response to this thought was, "Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you."  My thoughts emanated out of my mind and into the universe.  I smiled to myself as the plane lifted off the ground, soared through the clouds and towards what I had been wishing for.  It had been bleak and overcast on the ground but once we passed through the clouds the sun glowed in the windows.  A handsome early 30 something businessman turned around and smiled at me.  He reminded me of someone I knew.  I must have been just beaming.  Honestly, I felt like I was glowing.  

I knew I found it at just the right time.  I am up to my neck in papers, journaling, buddy work, analysis, reading and practical work.  The little reminders of how fortunate I am for having the opportunity to study at CSSD are what get me through the harder days.  I talked to Zac the other day and he said something to the effect of "you must feel like you're in over your head."  But that's not how I feel.  Yes, I can be stressed about things (who isn't?), or exhausted at the end of the day (again, who isn't?).  But I think that partly means that CSSD is doing their job and I am getting my money's worth!  I was not academically challenged at Marymount, not at all in comparison to the quality of education I am getting here.  I am getting the whole package - academia, practical work, teaching practice...and my jaw always hits the floor when Katerina says casually that this is the best school in the world for Voice Studies...and that they produce the finest, most capable Voice teachers out there.  It lets me relax away from that small relentless worry that I may not get a job right away.  

I went to the gym by myself tonight because James is sick :(

Thursday

I reset my alarm 6 times this morning, and at the last possible second that I would have enough time to shower, eat and leave - I finally pulled myself out of bed.  Now that I'm actually sleeping regularly (thank God) I'm just relishing in it.  We had a great Limber with Katerina and then had Anatomy after where were learned about resonance, frequency, sound waves, spectrum waves, etc.  So much unexpected science involved in this course, I'm surprised I'm absorbing it.

  

Nia and Alex holding the first slinky - demonstrating the base frequency.  Chris and Shona holding the second slinky - demonstrating the first frequency which has to have two humps (see below).  

The frequencies look like this:

I hope that makes sense.  It multiplies out from the base frequency.  Anyway, then Katerina had us use tuning forks and the guitar.  She struck the tuning fork and explain that it represented what was going on at the level of the vocal folds and that it's only when it has the guitar's body to vibrate in (i.e. the vocal tract - throat, nasal cavity and mouth) can it resonate.

  

Katerina with the tuning fork and guitar.  Corrin playing after class :)

When Lucinda came into Anatomy today she handed me a bag and said, "Happy Thanksgiving!" and gave me a hug.  She had gotten me American candy, The Sunday Times Magazine (because it had Barack Obama on the cover!) and a really sweet card.  

The card said on the front:

Go for long walks.  Indulge in hot baths.  Question your assumptions.  Be kind to yourself.  Live for the moment.  Loosen up, scream, curse the world.  Count your blessings, just let go, just be (Carol Shields) 

On the inside:

Missy, I know it sucks to be away from your family and friends this turkey day but am sure that you understand that you are here for a reason.  So while you may feel understandably grumpy and a bit lonely, you will look back on this year and know it was all worth it.  With that optimism and burning ambition, have a great day and I for one, will be giving thanks for having your President in the world and you in my class.  Big Kiss, Lu xxxx

Here's a picture of what she gave me!  Some of the candy is gone because I ate some, and the big bag I had shared during Anatomy so we could have a treat for working so hard.  It was really thoughtful and sweet of her.  

Today I had my Microteaching session where I had to teach my whole course for 13 minutes (even though I went a little overtime).  I was nervous about how to structure it, but after I chatted with Colin, we decided what was best.   I taught a Qi Gong exercise which works breath and resonance (it's very similar to Tai-Chi) and added an element of a partner placing their hands on the ribs, then the lower back and head, then brushing the back width and length.  I hadn't really tried this out before hand, but I thought they could work resonance and breath while getting a sense of length and width (which was our group goal).  I got some amazing feedback and feel confident that my teaching placements will go well.  

See my Qi Gong exercise guide on the mirrors.  This is the space we do Microteaching in, which is off site from CSSD.  You can see how dark it is outside and it's only 4pm!

I talked to Katerina after class and she said she'd penciled me in for teaching placement practice at East 15 Acting School.  The top tier of drama schools are CSSD, Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts (RADA), London Academy of Music and Dramatic Arts (LAMDA) and Guildhall School of Acting.  The next tier is East 15, Guildford School of Acting, and Oxford School of Drama (among a few others).  She said that East 15 is prestigious and will look great on my resume.  She said she wants me to go there because it's a conservatoire program (and the only real conservatoire program in the states is Juilliard) so it will be a way for my future potential employers to see that I can work in a range of teaching environments and adapt as necessary.  

I get home and meet up with James for dinner.  I am, on the inside, really upset that I'm not with family on Thanksgiving, but I try hard to suck it up and deal.  This only lasts as long as it takes for me to get my plate of food (which consists of 2 chicken wings, steamed carrots, half-cooked potato slices and what I think is rice pudding but really will never know) and sit down.  I stare blankly at it for about 30 seconds.  James is still getting his food.  Tears start to well up in my eyes.  James sits down.  "Oh my God, are you okay?  Are you going to be sick?!"  I shake my head no, and laugh a little.  He, too, got violently ill from the food this week so he thought I was going to throw up or something.  "What's wrong, then?"  "THIS....is my Thanksgiving dinner...."  Floodgates.  I kept asking him, "Are people looking at me?  I'm crying over chicken wings and carrots!  I must look like a basketcase."  "No, you're fine.  No one's looking at you."  We laugh about this for probably ten minutes on and off, getting silent, eating a few bites, then catching each other's gaze and falling into a laughing fit again.  Because honestly, it's just SO ridiculous.  He reminds me, "It's only a year."  Yes.  Only a year...and I will have so much to be grateful for next Thanksgiving.  I am already grateful for him, my classmates, CSSD, my family and friends...the list goes on and on.  I got to Skype with my grandma and grandpa because my parents and Jen were there for the weekend doing a joint Thanksgiving-and-Christmas-in-one holiday.  Friggin Hawaii.  

It was really nice to see and speak to my grandma and grandpa.  My grandpa had always given me a hard time about having really long hair when I was little...he'd always threaten to chop it off.  He saw that my hair was short and said, "I'm mad at you."  I said, "Why?  Because I'm not there?"  He said, "No, because you beat me to it.  You chopped your hair off!"  James came in my room for a bit and actually had a chance to say hi to them and do his American impression.  He does a great Broadway singing voice too, considering that's all he listens to :)  But I couldn't get him to sing.  After chatting with my family and getting some journaling done, I ate some more chocolate and went to bed...

Friday

Forgot my ID so I decided not to go to the Body Worlds Exhibit because I'd have to pay a lot more, also I need to get some more work done.  I know, I know...all work, no play.  It's fine, I'll relax in 20 days.  Okay? 

I met with Kate at 9am to do some buddy work.  She was out sick yesterday, so we took it easy.  We did a lovely warm up together, instead of instructing the other one through it.  Then we worked our lyric poems staying in plank (push-up position) to access the abdominal muscles and get the breath going.  Then we tried to do the lyric poem with the Qi Gong but it was too complicated, so we did Tai-Chi circles (that I learned from Thom at CCSU).  We didn't get a whole lot done, so we said we'd meet Monday morning for two hours to make some more progress.  I love (read: sarcasm) getting up two hours earlier than I would normally need to on a Monday morning.

We had a Limber with Vicki and then Voice with Jacqui, both went well, but are kind of a blur.  We worked out lyric poems in Jacqui's class which was nice because it got me out of my usual routine with working a piece.  Then we had an hour break for food and met back up at 2pm for the second Feldenkrais workshop with Robert Price.  We did mind-body relationship exercises where we worked the right shoulder for about 45 minutes and then he talked us through working the left shoulder in our mind's eye without physically doing it.  So we had our eyes closed and he talked us through detailed instruction for imagining the work on the left side.  Then we explored the quality of movement, and it had improved to what the right was capable of, even though we hadn't moved that shoulder.  Incredibly hard to explain...you have to actually do it to realize it's full potential.  I can only compare it to (because in reality they're the same) how hook a group of athletes up to electrodes and monitor their brain activity during, for example, a 10K marathon.  Then they have runners who just imagine in detail that they're running a 10K race - and the brain fires in the exact same patterns for both.  

I got all the way home after class before I realized I'd lost my keys.  After emptying my bag out several times, I got back on the bus and went back to school.  I asked Reception, they didn't have them, the library - nothing, and then tried to find someone from Maintenance, but to no avail.  So I went back to the room we had Limber in.  A Maintenance guy walks in and I ask him if he's seen a set of keys with a silver "46" attached to it.  He pulls them out of his pocket, "These keys?"  I had left my keys in the room Kate and I worked at in the morning and he'd just picked them up (it's like 6:30pm at this point) and I could not believe that no one turned them in.  I thanked him profusely and went home.  I had, in that wasted time, missed dinner hours completely.  Thank God Mom just sent me three large bags of candy.  Wee!

Before I went to bed I booked the trip to Paris for me and Tim.  It's official.  January 2nd-5th we will be exploring France!  Activities as of right now include a hop-on-hop-off bus tour (which is good for 2 days) probably Friday and Saturday, a three course lunch on Monday at The Music Hall Restaurant which looks like a posh version of NYC's Vynl, and we cannot possibly miss: The Louvre, Eiffel Tower, Seine River or Versailles.  

Saturday

I had every intention of getting up and getting things done today.  Not that I didn't get anything done, I just didn't actually get out of bed til about 1pm.  My body was not willing to function until then.  I missed brunch, so I ate chocolates...(Dear Mom, I love you, but sending me three large bags of American chocolates at one time may not have been a good idea as I cannot stop eating them. Love, Missy's Tummy.)  When I got up I took a long shower, got my things together and went to the library for about an hour.  I scanned in all the info and pictures I needed for my appendix.  It was freezing and rainy today, and per usual I didn't dress appropriately, so I froze.  Hopefully I won't get sick.  My heat decided to randomly turn off today, so I've got on three layers and two pairs of socks.  Weee...I love this place.  

So I edited my essay (from 15 pages down to 13) and worked on the appendix from 3:30pm until now (it's 12:20am)...The appendix, now complete in all its glory is 23 pages.  Oh yeah, that's 8 hours of work right there.  I have to work on the citations tomorrow so that they're in Harvard format (why do they have to be in a format I don't know?)  I hope that spending this much time in front of my laptop won't have some horrible effect on me later in life...because I really just spent all day sitting with my hands permanently attached to it.  

The countdown continues:

Phonetics Assessment - 2 days

Anatomy Essay - 5 days

Expressive Voice Project - 9 days

Tim's Arrival - 22 days

Paris *new addition to this list! - 32 days

I think it's time for bed now, Captain Efficiency.  Goodnight.  

Katerina's Song - MAVS

Well, I figured out how to post songs from box.net but I don't know how to get them into the same post.  This will have to do.  Hope you enjoy them.  Reminder: I am doing MA in Voice Studies...but this means speaking voice development - not singing voice!  We sound pretty good, but we're not professionals.

A song we learned in a Limber with Katerina from November 18th. No idea what it means. Thomas and I got carried away and kept singing, which is why there's laughing after :)

doo doo bae nay.mp3

Nia's African Song

The beautiful and talented classmate of mine - Nia Lynn singing the song she taught to us in Microteaching from November 14th.

nia's african song.mp3

Nigerian Song - MAVS

This is the Nigerian song we learned from Katerina on November 11th.  When we go into the round it's a bit shaky with timing because we forgot to establish who was singing when beforehand! :)
african song 2.mp3

Soon I Will Be Done - Song from MAVS Course

Here's a song we learned in a Limber with Vicki from October 31st.
soon I will be done.mp3

Eat, Pray, Love

I think it's pretty funny how many people have stated almost assumingly that I will have (and I quote) many "elicit European love affairs" in my year abroad.  I've been listening and relistening to Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert (also from Connecticut, worked in NYC, work-a-holic who travelled abroad - thank you Denise for sharing it with me)...while I'm cleaning, folding laundry, riding the bus, relaxing on my hour break at school, etc.  Yes, listen because it's an audiobook because I don't actually have time for pleasure reading (I not-so-secretly "borrowed" it from the Otis Library before leaving).  The time that I do have to commit to reading is set aside completely for books on voice, speech, anatomy, phonetics, acting, accents...articles on voice, speech, anatomy, phonetics, acting.....you get the idea...

Anyway, I was listening to it tonight, and as if these words came streaming out of my own mind, I heard:

"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men.

I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks.

I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone 

but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of his highest potential.

I have fallen in love more times that I care to count with the highest potential of a man, 

rather than with the man himself.  

And that I’ve hung onto the relationship for a long time, 

sometimes far too long waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness.

Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."  

The validity and reality of these words in this moment made me almost laugh aloud.  My jaw just hung open.  There I am.  Nailed to the wall.  That's how it's always been for me.  And so, realizing this may never change, I write my simple plea to the universe:

Dear Universe,

Please bring a man into my life who is emotionally capable of his highest potential - and who is not afraid to reach that potential.  That would be really...appreciated.

Always,

me

Lacking Thanksgiving.

Adrianne:  I saw a turkey in the grocery store and it made me cry.

Me: No turkey tears.

Sometimes there is a beacon of light.

Hey Missy!

I was just thinking about you lately. I hope everything is going wonderfully for you. I know it's been a while since we talked, but I just thought I'd let you know how proud I am of you for all that you're accomplishing. It's nice to see someone truly passionate about their art going out into the world and making it a reality for themselves. I know that it's helping me to chase my own dreams when I see that you're out there doing the same.

Just an encouraging thought for you... 

-Tom (Besade)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(I am so grateful for this feeling.  I am so grateful for this feeling.  I want to memorize this reassurance for when I am feeling like I did...merely hours ago.)

November 16th-22nd

November 16th-22nd

Sunday

I am starting to write posts during the day, or at the end of the day and save them with out posting them.  I think they're more true to what I was feeling than what I remember feeling.  Anyway, I had brunch with James and then we went shopping to find him a swim suit.   He said he needed some retail therapy, so we decided to window shop (read: keeping my money in my pocket where it should be).  We walked up and down Carnaby Street and gawked at all of the amazing stores that are in that area.  We walked into this one area with a ton of vintage stores.  Our jaws just dropped.  I'm going to go back next Sunday and take pictures.  We also at James's request - stopped at every touristy store we passed and made mental lists of what Christmas presents we were getting.  I did walk away from one of the really good ones right on Carnaby Street with UK flag coasters, a small rectangle tin with the Underground map on it and a magnet of our beloved double decker bus that said "Best of British" on it, which I imagined a picture of James and me "driving the bus" pinned below it on my fridge in the future.  I may get a shot glass at some point, considering the workload for Terms 2 & 3, I'll probably need it!

Touristy findings on my side table.  Note: adorable picture of Tim & I at age 6, next to my iHome :)  The other little rectangle container is for me to throw my keys and badges and cards and phone in so I don't forget them.  

James's friends met up with him later than he expected so I hung out and relaxed for a couple hours getting screen-sucked by Facebook, skyping with Jen and ordering prints off of Snapfish (thanks to Adrianne) to put in my journal.  At 5pm when he sent me a text saying he'd be later than he'd hoped, I headed to the gym for some weight training.  I am always amazed by the lack of women in the gym, and the bizarre looks I get when I walk into the weights area.  Lately, I feel like they are sizing me up and get skeeved out so then I can't even enjoy working out, I am too busy shooting death stares at the creepers.  I was telling this to James today and I said something to the effect of, "And I know I look like crap when I go there, so what they hell are they looking at?"  James said that the Brit term for "hot" is "fit" so he said that's our goal.  Quite honestly, I'd just like to feel better about myself.   I did take "before" shots (like Weight Watchers recommends, did Jen and Mom do that?) though to motivate myself to go everyday.  I cringed when I loaded the pictures today.  I'm not posting them until I have the "after" shots (read: when I don't look like the "before" pics anymore).  

When James got back around 7pm we headed to the gym, excitedly, for our first swim.  We had a great time, despite the brutal reality of how out of shape we really are.  I'm not the best swimmer, but I don't really care because I really love it.  I'd never swam lanes before.  Sore and exhausted we returned home, scheduled our swim times (meeting almost everyday) for the next two weeks and parted ways.  I chatted with Grandma Lois on AIM for a little bit and then worked on my journal and lesson plans for Kate.  

Made a plan like the Type A personality I am...I need to know what's going on in the next 5 years or I feel like I'm not being productive.  So here's "a plan" not necessarily THE plan:

October 2008-July 2009: CSSD (London)

July-August 2009: Fitzmaurice Teaching Certification - 1st half (NYC)

August-December 2009: Home in the 'ville working full time (maybe LOI will take me back!)  (CT)

December 2009: Graduation from CSSD (London)

January-May 2010: Home in the 'ville working full time (CT)

May-June 2010: National Voice Intensive (Canada)

July-August 2010: Fitzmaurice Teaching Certification - 2nd half (NYC)

September 2010-May 2011: York University MFA program - 1 year (Canada)

May-June 2011: Teaching at the National Voice Intensive (Canada)

I'm tired...I can't think any further than 2011, I can't even say 2011 without cringing at how far off that seems.  

Monday

Kate and I met in the morning (so early) to do buddy work.  She had me do physically exhausting exercises and then asked me to immediately lie down.  Still panting, she asked me to imagine I was in bed lying next to a lover and asked me to speak the poem as intimately as if that lover was lying right next to me.  I got about halfway through (to about "and it's you...are whatever a moon has always meant...") and I burst into tears.  Other than an anxiety attack that I had last week in class, this was the first time I'd really cried because I was engaged in the work (the first time in several years actually).  I kept speaking through the tears and it was like I was confessing all of my secrets and demons and wishes to him.  I felt very cleansed afterwards, like I'd gotten it all out.  I felt clean and I wished he had been there for me to say it to his face.  

So much of this release work we've been doing releases tension in places that we hold - emotionally.  So for example, if someone habitually holds their jaw clenched and they finally release it - it often releases their frustrations, grief, their habitual pattern shutting things out, or their way of dealing w/pain.  What did people do before anesthesia?  They bit down on something as hard as they could - because it blocks out pain.  The main muscle in the jaw (the one that sticks out when you clench your teeth) is called the Masseter muscle and it's the strongest muscle in the body.  This is still blowing my mind.  It is the strongest muscle in the entire body.  So once you release that muscle, it release all of the emotions that were blocked out or suppressed.  It's really fascinating work.  

Kate is having me work a lot in my upper back and ribs, which is good because I'm self conscious about my tummy and tend to hide it and therefore slightly shorten in the torso.  You'd think I'd work on length so that I'd look slimmer, but it's easier to hide it.  Kate's observations have made me really interested in why my lower body is so strong and muscular and my torso is totally inaccessible and untoned.  I compensate in my back; my back has always been quite strong.  

I sadly (very, very sadly) spilled my water bottle in the bottom of my bag and got all of my books, including my beloved journal, soaked through about 1/2" on the bottom of the pages...luckily I didn't get my laptop wet because it has it's case on it and there was something else underneath it (a bag of almonds or something).  My phone got a little wet, but no damage.  I'm glad it was only water, but the pages in my journal are all wavy and fragile now.  It's really upsetting because I spend so much time working on it.  I've been really good about keeping up with it too.  So now that it's damaged I am compelled (irrationally) to get a new one and transfer everything.  Craziness.  I won't do it.  I may scan the pages onto my computer though.  It just makes me think nothing is safe!  Hah.  Oh, paranoia.  

Alexander Technique first thing in the morning is great.  It aligns you and gets you in touch with "what am I doing" not "how am I doing"...I think I must've learned that brilliant concept at DMA, or from Jeff Morrison.  George Parks and Jeff Morrison are on equivalent levels of brilliancy in my book.  I can't take notes in that class because it's completely experiential.  I wrote down that I tend to tip my chin down and look "through my eyebrows" as someone said.  It's my Queenie in Wild Party or Sally in Cabaret or Ariel in Footloose look (typecast much?)  It's also a bit intense like Fosse can be.  Drop the shoulders, tilt the chin down...it has Fosse written all over it.  It makes me feel powerful.  Learning to realign my head so that my nose is in line with my ears not only takes pressure off my larynx, but forces me to face the world completely as I am.  No hiding behind these physical habits.  I feel a bit pompous when I lift my chin because I'm simply not used to it.  It's amazing though because it takes a lot of pressure off my upper back.  When I tilt my chin down those muscles need to work and stretch to support my head being forward.  Now that I've released them back down my alignment has been consistently better.  Enforcing new habits.  I think I may include a lot of the process of learning new habits in my dissertation (unconscious bad habits being inhibited by conscious corrected habits, then the new habits become something you don't have to think about anymore - unconscious corrected habits).  This always had interested me in Jeff's class.  It was one of the first things he had in his syllabus and I thought, "Yes, I want to do that."  

I had my Microteaching Meeting after class in our two hour break.  Yes, that's right, a two hour break.  Virtually unheard of in this program :)  Microteaching is where we run a 13 minute lesson plan to the rest of the MAVS students.  But we go in groups of three or four and have to cover Release/Alignment, Breath, Body, Phonation, Resonance, Articulation and Text.  I've been delegated Phonation and Resonance, which is fine with me.  Thom always had me doing resonance work for the Voice I class, and I love doing resonance work.  I'm excited about Microteaching.  I think everyone tries to pack too many exercises in.  Keeping it simple and focused seems to be the better route.  You can only do so much in 13 minutes.  Less can sometimes be more.

After lunch we had Voice with Tara.  I asked her about an email she'd just sent us for a job listing that starts next August.  She went off on a huge 20 minute tangent about finding jobs and good sources to get job listings, websites, etc.  She talked a long time about the opportunities we'll have in Terms 2 & 3 (an actual class is set aside for professional development) to get into this more.  I emailed the head of the program at this university asking if the CSSD MA was equivalent to an MFA, and a couple hours later got an email back.  I was pleased because he said it didn't really matter as they have in the past hired people who have equivalent professional or teaching experience.  He "strongly encouraged me to apply".  Woo!  

We'd had Text class with Paul Goodwin, as he'd been subbing for Johanna Weir because he husband has been really ill.  She turned out to be exactly what we needed.  She spoke about positive thinking and how our thoughts shape our lives.  She was just - really inspiring and honest.  I was telling Adrianne about how she said your subconscious cannot decipher meaning.  If you think "I want to get rid of my neck tension" your subconscious will hear NECK and TENSION and that's what you'll get.  She said we need to retrain the way we analyze ourselves by saying "I want release in my neck."  Your subconscious will hear NECK and RELEASE.  I thought it was great how much this links into the laws of attraction (The Secret) and also a little funny because she's Australian.  The woman who wrote The Secret and did the audiobooks is Australian too.  

The desktop on my macbook is on rotation of all the pictures from when my family went to upstate NY to visit my Aunt Rita & Uncle Kerry.  I know it's getting cold there, so here's my last ode to autumn in New England, as it will soon be covered in snow!  The pictures Jen sent to me gave me a taste of the gorgeous fall foliage I have missed this autumn.  New England does have its perks :)

      

Let's not talk about how sad it made me to see these pictures...because this is what I've got:

      

My lovely mum sent me these in the mail, and I'm sure I'll have to take them down soon, but these pics are for her :)  It's sad in comparision...I know.  I've got some of my favorite pics up next to the mirror (Tim & me, Grandma Lois & me circa 1988, Jen & me circa 1990 and a recent pic of James & me)...and yes - I know the curtains are God-awful hideous things...

And I caught a falling leaf today (which is apparently good luck):

Tuesday

Got 2 1/2 hours of sleep.  A rough night, to say the least.  I really tried to stay in bed and convince myself that I could skip Limber with Katerina.  But when I got to breakfast at 8:30am I realized that if I ran for the bus I could still make it.  I texted Katerina, although considering the Limbers are optional, wasn't really necessary.  I got there 5 minutes late, but jumped into the work and was really happy I was there.  

I brought some snacks with me (raisins, almonds, craisins, cashews, clementine, apple, i.e. all the food I have in my room) so that I could eat throughout the day to keep my energy up.  I didn't know what else to do; I don't drink coffee...who knows...I fall asleep fine, it's just - staying asleep through the night.  Impossible.  My dad asks me almost every time we Skype how many hours of sleep I'm getting and sometimes I feel so guilty about my complete inability to think and function like a normal human being.  When I searched for a sleep specialist in South Eastern CT, I came across this article. 

Limber with Katerina was great.  She is an endless source of knowledge and creativity.  She inspires me everyday.  Phonetics was cancelled today because Rick is home in Ohio dealing with a sickness in his family.  Frankly, everyone seemed relieved to have a break from Phonetics, and it kept our energy up for Practical Anatomy.  We started focusing on resonance and open channel.  I was thrilled to be getting into this work, because it's something you can feel changing everyday.  The more muscles you can learn to release, or retrain certain muscles to hold the body upright while letting others go - you can achieve amazing resonance and feel the vibrations all over.  You communicate so much better when your voice is resonant.  We learned a song to end the class which we recorded.  One of these days I'll figure out how to work Last fm so I can put the music up on here for you to hear.  

I went to the library and vegged out for a while (read: facebook), typing up some of my notes, and relaxing.  I was not really able to focus with lack of sufficient sleep.  I thought for sure I would pass out in my Alexander Tutorial (you spend a lot of time on the floor) - but I didn't.  Second wind, I guess.  I said something to the effect of, "I love this class because I never have to take notes, I just have to be here and experience the work."  Natacha was so thrilled that I shared this and then proceeded to talk about "the experience" for the rest of the tutorial.  I feel like a huge geek when I do or say something "good" and the teacher brings attention to it.  I become "that kid" and feel like a fool.  (A smart fool though.)  Kate told me Natacha had commented on my improvement (particularly finding length in the neck) in Kate's tutorial group.  I was really flattered and pleased because like I'd said - I just go in, experience it fully and walk away.  There's no hyper-analytical, brain-powered feedback.  I'm not in my head.  It's in my body, it's muscle memory and obviously that works for me - at least with this kind of work.  

Came home, went to the gym to do some strength training...I really just tried to type out "lift some weights" and realized how butch that makes me sound.  "Strength training" is a nice feminine euphemism for pumping iron.  Hah.  Oh, Lizzie (a girl from my class) told me it looked slimmer today and I nearly hugged her.  Thank God it's working, because I've been kicking my ass.  The swimming should be really good for that too.  I'm already feeling better, despite sore muscles (but in a good they're-being-worked way).  James and I are going swimming at 6:30am tomorrow (read: what were we thinking?!)  And it's my day off...guess I forgot that lovely notion of getting to sleep in on my day off...I suppose I'll be napping around 3pm.  Oh, I could use a good nap.  Speaking of...it's clearly time for bed because I can barely keep my eyes open.  Game over; I am defeated.  Goodnight!

Wednesday

Thankfully, I slept okay last night.  I got 6 hours.  YES.  I forced myself to get out of bed at 6:20am, knocked on James's door and about ten minutes later we were up to our necks in water.  We tried out the "medium" lane, as opposed to the "slow" lane.  We didn't last long, and retreated to the "slow" lane with all of the old people.  Hah.  I was actually really happy we were up and doing it.  It woke me up, made me hungry for breakfast (I usually shovel some food in and think 'I'm going to need this for energy later, just eat it') and my cardio for the day was done before the sun even came up.  We had breakfast together, remarking about how awake and alive we felt (yes endorphins!) and then parted ways.  I laid back down because my back has been hurting (that's what happens when you use muscles that you've neglected for years, you suddenly realize, "Oh, I have a back!") and I thought after yesterday my body needed a little rest.  It was a bit self-indulgent, but I'm coming to accept that I'm allowed to be sometimes, at least until July.  I know my essay will be fine, so I'm not worrying about it.  I can't talk to anybody except Kate about the essay or they just stress me out.  It's a challenge, but it's not that complicated.  I have to keep it in perspective that all but maybe three of us haven't written an essay in at least a decade, and that's why they're stressing.  I will finish it between the work I'll do today and Saturday and then will just have to beg Adrianne to edit it for me sometime in the week after, so that come December 9th, I will just have to turn it in!  

I slept for about an hour and then Kate called.  We often confide in each other, not just about the work but about everything really.  We talked about the Alexander tutorials, her meeting with Katerina and how she's changing her lyric poem.  We talked a bit about my experience with the text in our last meeting.  I think we are so similar on many levels, but feel very comfortable with sharing our observations about each other like, "I think you underestimate how quick you think" or "maybe that's why you put your head down when you're done speaking"...these things are really important but I never feel hesitant about voicing these observations or ever feel threatened or judged in hearing them either.  

Jen just called me on Skype me and woke me up, so I guess this is a clue that I should be getting to work now.  Captain Efficiency called, it's that time again.  Hopefully I'll get some email distractions today to keep me from getting too serious :)  I have to admit, I am amazed by who emails and who doesn't...who is actively keeping in touch and who is like, "Cool, enjoy London, see you in a year"...It is most surprising.  For the most part, it's almost the opposite of what I'd expected it to be.  

Time for my essay.  Respiration and the larynx ain't got nothin' on me.  After doing a general search for "what is phonation" I found one of the sources was this York University in Canada.  A link to a site created by the man I'd been emailing about the MFA program!  What's more - it's all about phonation and the larynx.  The bloody larynx!  There we go, answers to my questions.  Coincidental?  I'm not so sure.  Hours later - I am incredulous...could I really be enjoying this essay now?  Incredible.  I love when I find that groove and realize I do know what I'm talking about :)

I took a nap because I was getting a headache (I worry that staring at this screen for long periods of time is wrecking my eyes).  James sent me a text asking if I wanted to swim again today.  The boy is addicted.  Nothing like some endorphins and adrenaline rush to make you want more.  I feel like I'm really starting to take care of myself (aside from my inability to maintain normal sleep patterns).  I looked at my face today in the mirror and saw that the lines that had developed on my forehead (that the high schoolers from HSM had pointed out, haha) were almost completely gone.  I wonder why people stop taking care of themselves, or how I managed to do that.  The work I'm doing here, the amount of water I'm drinking everyday, the concern for my physical health (i.e. going to the gym regularly) and the attention to how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking is so good for me.  That's what I mean about self-indulgence.  I've been reading/listening to Eat, Pray, Love where the author takes off a year to travel to Italy, Indonesia and India basically to find herself.  I think it's funny because she's from Connecticut and talks about New England guilt and even Catholicism to an extent...and how it took her a long time to realize she needs to take better care of herself and let go of the idea that self-indulgence is always a bad thing.  I worked hard to get here, I only have one body and mind.  Why shouldn't I be taking care of it the best I can?  Why did I just write "taking care of it"?  I mean - taking care of me.  

At 3pm - 

Me: 2,100 words.  Essay: 900 words.  Who's winnin' now bee-otch?  

Days left til it's due: 15.  Bring it.  I'm ready.

Swam for 45 minutes with James.  It was so busy that we were annoyed for most of it, but ah well.  I'm glad we went.  However, my room smells like chlorine now.

8pm - 

Me: 3,000 words.  Essay: nada.  Take that.

Thursday

Woke up a little later than I hoped because I was trying to make up for having woken at 4am and not fallen back to sleep til 6:30am...But I got up, ate a very quick breakfast and grabbed the bus.  I got there early enough to stretch out my neck and back, thankfully, because I feel like a mess.  We had Limber with Vicki and then Anatomy with Katerina where we covered the last bits of what needs to be included in the essay.  Phew.  

I had a meeting with Kate where she worked her new text.  She's stressing about it because Katerina told her in tutorial to do it really quickly and not sit back in it.  She wanted it to drive forward more.  We worked a few exercises that seemed to open some doors for her, but this weekend I'm going to make a formal lesson plan for her after I dig through some Cis Berry and Barbara Houseman exercises.  

We had Microteaching after, which I think went really well.  It makes very clear what I need to do for next week!  My Microteaching group goes next Thursday!  (read: who's nervous? Are you nervous?  I'm not nervous!  Who said anything about nervous?!)  Phonation and resonance is quite a lot to cover in 13 minutes!  But I will be fine.  

After that we had a seminar about Teaching Practice Placements.  She listed five within CSSD : 

MA Musical Theatre, MA Classical Acting, BA Drama, Applied Theatre & Education (aka DATE) BA Collaborative and Devised Theatre (CTD) and MA Acting for the Screen.  The other external schools that sounded the best to me were Doreen Bird College (working with dancers), Bristol Old Vic (2 terms), Oxford School of Drama (I might die and go to heaven if I get placed there), Rose Bruford (teaching an American accent...all eyes turned towards me, haha)...Southwark Playhouse doing vocal coaching for their production of Midsummer Night's Dream (!!) or last but definitely NOT least - Guilford School of Acting (sigh).  You can choose your top three on a form we have to fill out, which I narrowed down to Oxford School of Drama, BA DATE at CSSD, and Guilford School of Acting.  You can choose one or two more placements in Term 3 too.  It's like shopping in a catalogue, "Yeah, I'll take this school and that school looks good too..."  I might take on two placements per term (it can be done!) so that I can get the most teaching under my belt before I come home!  Gotta keep upping the stakes now!  

I worked the Open Day Event where prospective students come in to chat with the course leader and students.  I got paid £5.73/hr to greet and usher people to where they needed to go.  I met a really nice guy named Sam who is a new hire at CSSD (about 24 yrs old) who is a composer.  We had a really nice chat about living in London and NYC, but I was too shy to give him my number.  Ah well.  

Now, after having been in school for 12 hours straight, I am requiring sleep.  Ambition is ruling my life, so sleeping has gone out the window.  I'm paying for it in exhaustion.  If I don't make it through the night with at least 5 hours of sleep, someone will pay (read: me).  

Friday

Man, I must have attracted that to me, because, well - I don't know if it's my allergies or the excessive heat from the difficult-to-manage radiator, but I woke up with a sore throat (it literally feels swollen).  I must've been asking for it.  I sent Kate a text to ask her what she advised I should do.  She said that my health is more important and that we only have two classes today.  Our Limber got cancelled and I was supposed to have a buddy meeting with her.  We rescheduled for Monday morning at 9am.  I'm going to try and chill out today because clearly my body cannot handle the stresses I am putting on it.  I should've known this would happen.  I'm not speaking today.  James translated for me at breakfast; he thought it was pretty funny that an MA Voice Studies student is sick with a sore throat.  

Emailed the guy from the Open Day.  He's got a boyfriend.  I can't even find a boy who doesn't like boys.  Well done, Miss...you really know how to pick 'em.  

I went to the gym to do strength training and abs, which kind of defeats the purpose of me staying home to rest - but I just felt so damn lazy.  

Oh, and apologies to those who think I'm writing excessively.  The purpose of this is really so that 1) so I can reflect on my time here, document the process and 2) more importantly, so that my relatives (particularly ones I don't see often) can know what I'm up to.  I'll try to put more pictures up.  It's also, indirectly, a great way for me to vent.  So if you don't feel like reading, keep on scrolling!  

Saturday

James sent me a text about 10 minutes before we were supposed to go swimming this morning.  We both agreed it was not going to happen this morning.  Haha.  We did meet up for brunch though and had a nice chat.  

Adrianne and I have chats about what food she's making for dinner in Leipzig (as between the two of us, she's the only one who can make her own food - no fridge/stove/oven here!) It's as though I'm living vicariously through her, and also dying to eat something other than Nutford House catering.  And it could be because of these chats (she's very creative, making veggie chili, stir fries and then unfortunately some failed lentil concoction) I've started to collect recipes.  I have finally gotten to the age where I am excited by the idea of making a great meal for loved ones.  I think my sister hit that about two years ago.  She's very creative too, and often to our tasting benefit.  Such recipes I've collected include: Chicken Pot Pie Soup, a seemingly good Falafel recipe, Nutella Banana Oatmeal White Chocolate Muffins, Peanut butter cup Chocolate Cake (so sue me, I've got an insatiable sweet tooth), Sweet & Spicy Glazed Salmon, Arugula & Fried Sweet Potato Salad, NY Steak Strip w/Horseradish Mustard Sauce (my dad would love this), Roasted Red Peppers with Goat Cheese Stuffed Chicken (are we drooling yet?)...and more.  Sigh.  

Photo shoot with Jemima for two reasons.  1) Jen needs a recent picture from me for a present she's making.  2) New headshot to send out with resume for applications to jobs/universities.  The last time I got my headshots done was um...4 years ago.  

    

  

Jemima and I froze trying to shoot outside as it was like 38 degrees out...Winter is officially here.  The last one is from in her room.  

These pictures are all evidence of my complete lack of sleep...Jemima carefully pointed that out to me.  "Oh Miss, you really need to get some sleep!"  Yes...yes, I know.  I couldn't load more than those pics (she took almost 30 pictures) because I am so self-loathing at the moment.  This Saturday should be renamed Self-Deprecation Day, because I cannot find a shred of motivation to finish this essay, do laundry, go to the gym, look in the mirror, sleep, function...Rereading the bit I wrote about "taking care of myself" seems false because I can't sleep and I really think I look horrible.  

I think most of this emo-ness came from realizing Turkey Day is so close and I won't even get to have one...and also that I talked to my Grandma and she said she was decorating for Christmas because the fam is coming next weekend to do a joint Turkey Day/X-Mas celebration because oh yeah - they're going to Hawaii...

One shred of glimmering hope: Tim will be here in 30 days.  Sigh.  

Lyrics.

Songs that have permeated my thoughts as of late:

The world's got me dizzy again

You'd think after 22 years I'd be used to the spin

And it only feels worse when I stay in one place

So I'm always pacing around or walking away

It's too soon to see if I'm happy in your hands

I'm unusually hard to hold onto

She can kill with a smile, she can wound with her eyes.

...She only reveals what she wants you to see.

...Will ask for the truth but she'll never believe you.

Wakey wakey rise and shine

It's on again, off again, on again

Watch me fall like dominos in pretty patterns

There are names across the sea

Only now I do believe

Sometimes, with the windows closed - he'll sit and think of me.

November 9th-15th

November 9th-15th

Sunday

"Sunday" has become synonymous with "productivity" in my time here.  I get so much done on Sundays.  I slept horribly on Saturday night.  So I got up and ate brunch, but when I got back I decided I was going to read in bed.  Instantly fell asleep.  I must've been really tired because I didn't wake up once until 2pm.  What?!  I did a double-take and then again another double-take and then got out of bed and looked at the clock on my computer and my mobile.  I couldn't believe it...how does this happen?  I'm thinking my day is ruined but I get online and my sister is online.  YES!  I ask her to help me with making a formal lesson plan, as she is the pedagogy guru, and famed teacher in Montville (she was in the paper, and I'm just so damn proud of her, even a year later).  She emails me a format for it and we chat for a bit.  She's still in PJs because it's only like 9am in CT.  I briefly lament about all the stuff I have to get done, she fires up a plan of action so that I'm doing laundry, working on my anatomy essay and completing a lesson plan virtually simultaneously.  Sometimes I swear she is like...Captain Efficiency or something.  It blows my mind.  And off I go, completing all of these tasks and still have time to go to the gym before I make it back by 7:30pm to chat on Skype with her again.  I chat with my parents for a bit and then head to bed.  

Monday

Meeting with Kate in the morning.  I do my lesson plan as I've planned it - Kate loves it.  Everyone's happy.  Weee.  Movement with Debbie.  I have such a good time the class flies by.  We're doing Bartenieff fundamentals (Barbara Adrian at MMC would be so proud!) and moving from the floor to standing with a sense of ease.  I eat this stuff up, I just love it.  

Voice with Tara.  Discussion about the importance of listening and asking questions.  I love this too.  Text with Paul Goodwin again!  I took a huge risk and when we were asked what our objective for our students is and took turns answering this I said, "I'm so sick of young actors who are too afraid to take risks and fall flat on their face."  As soon as it came out I wanted to clamp my hand over my mouth and shrug and say, "Whoops."  But he was intrigued and asked me to talk more about what I meant.  I said that I would want my students to feel comfortable enough to play with pitch, intonation, rhythm, volume, pausing, etc.  and also just take a risk to make a mistake and give in to the possibilities that are in front of them.  

I came home and journaled.  I found myself writing out the lyrics to a song that Tim and I covered:

I get so distracted by some people's reactions 

That I don't see my own faults for what they are

For what they are

At times so self destructive - with no intent or motive

But behind this emotion, lies a sensible heart

A sensible heart

See - I'm no king, I wear no crown

But desperate times seem over now

But still I weaken somehow and it tears me apart 

It tears me apart

I hope to learn as time goes by

That I should trust what's deep inside

Burning bright, oh burning bright - my sensible heart 

My sensible heart

Tuesday

Limber with Katerina based on the "dance of the larynx".  She's so creative :)  We did a little bit of salsa for a warm up and then did a conductor/choreographer exercise where one person is the instrument and the other is the conductor.  The conductor moves one hand for them to move around the room physically and the other hand is to conduct whether the pitch should go up or down.  We added pairs together until we were all in one group, led by one student.  Then we learned this amazing African song.  I'm going to see if I can convert it to a file that I can put on here...it has great harmonies.

We had Phonetics with Rick.  That went really well this time.  I got almost everything correct on the homework, and I hadn't looked a single word up to see where the stress was!  Colin and I get really excited when we get things right in Phonetics.  We were sitting next to each other and when Rick would write it on the white board you'd hear a unified, "Yessss!" from Colin and me at the same time.  

After Phonetics we had Anatomy with Katerina, who - realizing we'd had information overload last time decided to do a few practical activities with us to get us to chill out about the larynx.  Again, I love Katerina.  We cut out and with paper fasteners created the cartilages of the larynx to form a model.

  

Thomas holding the model of the larynx that he, Kate and I made.  Kate and Thomas with the larynx.

  

Nia presenting the larynx.  Me holding my larynx in place.  Clearly I'm much happier about all things to do with the larynx now.

Then she talked about how the cartilages move to bring the vocal folds together or apart.  I would explain it, but it's a bit complicated.  Here are some illustrative pictures:

For some reason, I decided that as we added different cartilages on and what they did I would always be the thyroid notch (where the vocal folds attach to in the front).  That's why I'm in all of these pictures.  

   

These two side by side are really good.  Colin (on his knees) is the cricoarytenoid muscle which pulls the arytenoid cartilage (Chris and Alex) together.  The vocal folds apart, then together!  Ta-da!  Phonation!

Then we also have to factor in other muscles which shorten the vocal folds and Thomas (behind me) who is the thyroid tilting down (which makes the vocal folds stretch = higher pitch)...

After Anatomy I went to the library from 2pm-3:45pm to work on my essay, having now the understanding of the larynx to be able to write coherently about it in my own words.  At 3:45pm I had my Alexander tutorial.  Always a good time.  

I got the bus home and went right to the gym.  I did some strength training...and always get the strangest looks from the guys there when I walk into the weights area.  Sorry, I'd like to have toned arms too, buddy.  Then I took a quick shower and met up with Jemima and Peter.  Peter had reserved tickets to see a show called Spectacular by a live art company called Forced Entertainment.  That's just what it was.  It was forced.  But it was not by any means, spectacular.  I get what it was trying to do, I just...hated it.  I wanted to high-tail it out of there after the first 20 minutes.  But it was all the way in Hammersmith which is like a 45 minute hike back to Nutford House.  I hated it and I wanted to go home.  I barely spoke on the train ride back, I was just so furious that I'd waste three hours of my life and £13 to see this unbearable piece of live art.  

Here are some pics before the show:

I wear sweats everyday so when we go out, which is a rare occasion, I am thrilled to get dressed up.  

  

So Pete is really bad at planning how long travel time will be - so we literally ran down the street in order to make it in time.  These pictures clearly are indicative of how it felt trying to get there in time.

We're almost there!

That's it for pictures.  No programme shot, no outside the theatre shot, no famous person shot, no waspy couple shot.  I sent James a text saying I wish you were here!  He was actually in Portsmouth accepting an award for Best Amateur Actor in all of Portsmouth, it was called the Guide Awards.  He makes me so proud!  He just got offered a lead role in a major production in Portsmouth of History Boys (they made it into a movie, if you've seen it/heard of it) and he accepted!  So now he's got two shows lined up for the summer already!  So proud!!  And I'm his voice teacher!  

Wednesday

There's always a little market set up between school and the Hampstead Theatre on Wednesdays and Saturdays with crepes, falafel, thai, vintage clothes, books and coffee stands.

Oh, my mid-week break is always so lovely.  I know I'm only in the studio four days a week, but it's rough.  It's a lot of information.  I didn't sleep in today.  I got up and went to breakfast with Jem and Pete.  Then I came up to my room, starting working on my essay and realized it was still so early.  I went to the gym and did about 30 minutes on the elliptical before my knees starting hurting.  I grabbed a quick shower, ate a couple clementines and headed to school.  I met up with my mentor, who'd emailed me apologizing and we rescheduled for today.  She is really sweet!  She's Canadian and seems like a great source of knowledge.  

She made some recommendations for my teaching practice.  Suggested I look into the teaching practice files in Katerina’s office.  She completed her teaching placement at East 15 and then Oxford School of Drama.  Johanna Weir-Orson is the head of voice at Oxford and I am looking forward to meeting her (she's teaching our text class, but Paul is filling in for her right now) so I can get a feel to see if I like her style.  She teaches mostly Linklater and that’s predominantly what I know.  After asking me about what I wanted to do and I mentioned a focus on movement - she suggested looking into Doreen Bird College (working with dancers) or Laban Institute as well.  

I told her I was nervous about the viva at the end of the term.  She said to make sure my buddy and I knew what we were going to talk about, so there were no surprises.  I thought it was appropriate and almost ironic that Kate is my buddy and her mentor is Vicki, and my mentor is Christine, who was Vicki’s buddy.  It feels very circular to me and it’s comforting to think we are like the next generation.  She said she’s lend me Voice and Speech Science by Allison Berhman, which she said really helped her with the essay.  I asked her how it was finding work, and she was really honest with me.  She said she wanted to get about 6 months of teaching under her belt and then be able to head back to North America so that she can move into her house with her boyfriend.  I said I might look into another MFA program (one year or two years) so that I can be able to teach right away afterwards.  She suggested York University in Toronto which is a two year program with mandatory teaching assistantships.  The head of this program is David Smuckler who is a really well known voice practitioner in North America.  She said that it's usually two years, but CSSD MAVS students can complete it in one year.  Yes MFA in ONE YEAR.  BA, MA and MFA and Fitzmaurice Certification at the age of 25.  Yes, chew on that one.  Then hopefully making enough money to dig myself out of debt!  Wee!  My inner overachiever just kicked into full gear.  

Met up with James when I got home, signed him up for his gym membership!  Now I have a gym buddy!  He said he wants to swim everyday, so I said he'd have to come bang on my door every morning and we'd go together.  I have to actually get a suit and he does too, so we're going to Primark together to shop for one on Friday.  

Thursday

Sleep has become virtually obsolete.  Honestly, I don't know how I function on three or four hours of sleep a night and go into the studio from 9 or 10am til 6 or 7pm.  I fall asleep fine.  My subconscious thoughts just consume me in the night and keep me at an arm's distance from sleeping through the night.  Sometimes I get into bed and think, "I am so physically and mentally exhausted - there's no way I can't sleep through the night tonight."  To no avail.  I have had really vivid, almost lucid dreams though.  A couple reoccurring ones about going to Shokan with Pat a few summers back, but they're so detailed and clear it's like I'm reliving it every time.  It's strange because we went a long time ago.  Why am I having them now, and so frequently?  

Right, Thursday.  We had a three hour workshop with the legendary Frankie Armstrong.  She's a renowned British folk singer.  She led a wonderful warm up and taught us a few African call and response songs.  She focused the workshop on singing, and has been working with the MAVS program for 23 years.  She's so lively and energetic considering she's actually quite old.  Frankie said that singing is our birthright and that it is in our genetic makeup.  It is so much a part of who we are as human beings that in some cultures they don't have the term "singer" because it's just something that everyone does.  It's not like we have a term for "breathers" because it's just something that everyone does.  

I ate a quick lunch and had a nice chat with Chris from my course about traveling to France in December.  He gave me some good pointers and shared some stories.  He's really easy to talk to.  We bond over the fact that he's done theatre in the U.S. and that we're both dancers.  He's done theatre all over the place, mostly in the UK and Germany and actually just finished doing Dirty Dancing in the West End, so he definitely knows the biz.  He'd been working in the West End for about 20 years.  He's very talented.  Then we headed to the other building for Microteaching.  We learned another (!) African song from Nia.  It was beautiful, and I was very happy to be singing all day!  

Unfortunately, I had an anxiety attack during my last class today.  I was about 3/4 of the way through Practical Anatomy.  We were talking about the larynx and I knew I was overtired and so I was trying extra hard to get what we were doing/talking about.  My brain was reaching max capacity.  And...I just had a series of moments, repeatedly thinking, "I just don't get it."  I felt it welling up inside and left the room quietly and locked myself in the bathroom.  It came out of nowhere and surprised me so much that I think it made it worse.  It was completely unexpected.  It was a really bad one where I felt like all the blood was rushing to my face.  My face felt like it was vibrating all over from hyperventilating.  Scary.  Tim and I had a big argument Wednesday night and I'd tried to let it go.  On top of that I didn't sleep well, and frankly, haven't been, so I was emotionally and mentally and physically exhausted come 6pm after having been up since 8am.  I was so fully engaged in Frankie's workshop and in Microteaching that when we got to Practical Anatomy and I was trying to engage that fully I just hit a road block.  I wanted to take in the concepts about the larynx and its relationship to the jaw and tongue, and I wanted to be able to see the point in what we were doing.  I wanted to be there and be putting it together, and I wasn't.  I just...lost it.  I don't know how long I was gone, but when I came back they were finishing up an exercise and we had a little chat about what we'd learned, then I went home.  Kate chatted to me for a few minutes to gauge if I was okay and then flattered me horribly like she did in her voice mail.  She gives the best hugs.  I realized that when I went to write down in my planner when I had my anxiety attack, I saw that I had the last one on October 13th and today was November 13th.  Incredible.  I'm still a bit dumbfounded.  Guess I should stay in bed on December 13th, haha.  

    

We had to break into groups and create an embodiment of the larynx cartilages and then move as they would...we're a creative group.  I'm on the floor attempting to be the cricoid cartilage in the second and third pics (I've got black pants with stripes down the leg.)  

Then I got on the bus.  I listened to Iron & Wine which was calmed me down or at least focused me a bit.  I decided that I wanted to do a cover of a song called "Passing Afternoon" with Pete...with guitar and piano and harmonies.  It's such a beautiful song - melody and lyrics.  I told Pete about it when I got home.  He learned it and we're going to plunk through it either Friday night or sometime next week.  Sometimes I just hear a song and feel compelled to do it.  

My day was topped off with one of the worst dinners ever at Nutford House, which my body completely rejected.  Well done Nutford House catering.  As unexpected as the anxiety attack was, so was the upheaval of my dinner.  The next thing I knew my stomach was empty again and I was eating bread with a little Nutella on it.  A ridiculous day.

Is it the weekend yet?!

I chatted with my mom for a bit.  When I was feeling a little better and Jen and Dad were around I recited the lyrics to "America, The Beautiful" in RP (high British accent) and they were like, "Who are you and what have you done with Melissa?"  Priceless.  

Friday

I met with Kate in the morning.  Kate and I had a good chat about where I am in my voice work.  She's so observant - like she says she notices things in class when I am speaking casually.  She said yesterday I spoke slowly and worked through my thoughts and she'd noticed that Katerina kind of smiled to herself as if she'd mentally noted that I was getting better.  Kate said I'm usually "too efficient" with how I speak and assimilate information very quickly.  Almost too quickly.  I fall into a particular pattern with my intonation because I'm so focused getting my point across.  No one has ever told me these things before.  It felt like she was talking about someone else.  I think it's because I am afraid I'll lose the thought unless I speak it right then.  We talked about me working with a sense of ease so that my speech can be rhythmic and yet have different inflection and vocal variety.  But it always comes back to trusting my words and my right to speak, which Kate thinks I'm really improving on.  

After our buddy session we had a Limber with Vicki.  Voice with Jacqui - I performed my sonnet and she coached me one-on-one.  I loved it I realized some habits I have when I do text work (like speaking too quickly, for example).  It's funny because Kate had said that earlier that morning in our session together.  Kate said she really saw me engage with my entire being.  It's kind of a blur now that I'm trying to remember it.  It's like my entire focus went onto Alex (who I was saying the sonnet to) and it was like Jacqui was my inner monologue.  It was probably the most "in it" I've ever been.  Considering I'm not usually really into Jacqui's classes, I think I've definitely jumped on the "Jacqui train" now.  

Then I grabbed a bite to eat and had a moment to relax in the library before Phonetics with Rick.  We had a lecture on the muscles of the tongue and the different parts of the mouth where sounds are made (lips, teeth, aveolar ridge, post-aveolar ridge, palato-aveolar ridge, hard palate, soft palate, uvula, pharynx, etc.)  He really tried to make it fun by showing us and teaching us "tongue olympics".  Bronze mental went to who could turn their tongue on its side (both ways), Silver went to who could ripple their tongue and Gold for those who could do both simultaneously (ripple on its side).  Then he had Honorable Mentions for people who could do other crazy things.  I left right after class to come home because I was exhausted.  I worked diligently on my essay and went to the gym.  I've been to the gym like four times this week.  It's amazing how it helps my energy levels during the day.  I think it's compensating for the lack of sleep in my life.  

Saturday

I woke up at 9am thinking James and I were going to go swim suit shopping.  He overslept, so I went by myself.  Primark didn't have any so I had to go to Marks and Spencer and spend a little more than I was hoping to.  Then I came back, ate a quick brunch and got to work on my anatomy essay.  Ah, the larynx...does it get more exciting than that?  Stumbled onto this blog while procrastinating...I mean "taking a break"...

I have been trying to think positively (making use of the laws of attraction) and it worked for me today.  I emailed the head of the MFA program at York University and the response was exactly what I wanted.  Amazing.   

I sent someone an email today who I shared this good news with: I am officially back in academic mode and killing this essay.  I may have mentioned this at some point, but I'll be in NYC for six weeks this summer because I got accepted into the Fitzmaurice Voice program (to become certified to teach that the Fitzmaurice technique). That means nothing to some, I realize, but it's really important to me (it's probably what I will write my dissertation on) and will look good on a resume.  I still need a terminal degree (MFA or PhD) to teach on a collegiate level.  When I emailed the head of the program, he confirmed that I could finish it in one year.  He also wants me to stay in contact with him as the year progresses and asked me a ton of questions about how I'm liking the program.  He cc'd another voice professor on some of my emails and now I'm in contact with another professor there.  They're both asking me about the program, mentoring, teaching placement, my undergrad experience, etc.  It's...wonderful.  

Some days I wake up and feel like I'm living someone else's life and don't know how I got here from Montville.  I am not usually self-satisfied, actually I'm usually the opposite, but in this moment I feel like my current job description is: kicking ass and taking names.  And I will try to keep believing that I am and will continue to attract that to me.  

November 2nd-8th

November 2nd-8th

Sunday

Got up earlier and was feeling guilty about not being as productive as I could've been on Saturday.  I went down to have brunch with James.  Then headed off the gym, showered and cleaned up my room a bit.  I did some serious reading for my anatomy essay and buddy work.  Then when my brain was reaching the cut off point of too much information to absorb - I went on the computer and blogged some more.  Adrianne helps me with some non-work-related chats when I need them too :)

James and I agreed that we'd meet after dinner for his very first voice lesson!  My first official (paying) student.  I recorded us chatting casually about his own impressions of his voice.  Then we listened back to it.  He was surprised by how he sounded, much lower and more "English" than he realized.  I took a video recording of him performing a monologue (from Six Characters in Search of an Author...he wants to be Ian McDiarmid, I think, heh).  Then we did some release into gravity visualizations lying on the ground.  I had him do "touch of sound" and then humming as he rolled up through the spine.  I noticed he was a block from the ribs up to his shoulders, breathing only into his belly.  We chatted about this and I told him I'd be gearing his exercises from here on out towards being able to access his rib swing.  We did a few exercises so he'd know what to be aware of in daily use.  And like the good, obedient student he is - he's been actively working on it this past week and reporting back to me.  Ah, if every student could be as dedicated as James.  Excitedly, I've already planned his next lesson.

Then we hung out watched some old DVDs of James performing with his company in Portsmouth and had a good laugh.  Then off to bed...a long week of hard work lies ahead.

Monday

I met with Kate first thing in the morning to do some buddy work for our vocal profiles.  We'd planned a warm up for each other, but unfortunately there weren't any rooms available so we took over the end of a hallway and did what we could.  We'd spent so much time looking for a room and doing the warm up that we only had about five minutes to walk to class and reflect on what we'd done.  I found that when she had be doing dynamic movement like going onto the toes and lifting the arms overhead - my entire torso elongates and I am very present.  My dance background comes to life and I am fully engaged.  I need to find that in standing and simply speaking.  There's got to be a way.  I have every intention of finding it in the next 8 months.  

Our first class was Movement with Debbie.  She focused the class on grounding the feet.  We did a partner exercise where one would roll down through the spine and the partner would brush their hands down the back from the cervical spine to the sacrum over and over.  Debbie encouraged those who were folded in half to let themselves pour into their feet and accept that this time is theirs and to enjoy it.  Then they'd roll back up slowly with the partner still brushing the back.  This was a really effective exercise for grounding because you get the spinal connection to the feet in supporting your weight and balancing.  We get so used to being obedient in these exercises, doing exactly what the teacher says - but it was really helpful to think of it as "our own time" and be a little self indulgent.  We also did some amazing Tai Chi work that wouldn't really make sense if I wrote out how we did it.  It helped us understand our relationship to the floor and centering ourselves in an economic and efficient way.  The exercises have to be done with a certain level of passivity or they become forced and muscular.  You can't try really hard to do them.  It's like trying to hold onto a handful of sand without letting any fall between your fingers.  If you just let it sit in your palm, you'll keep it.  You can't grab it or you'll lose it.  Sometimes I feel like I talk too much in class, especially Movement because I get really engaged in what we're talking about and have tons of questions because it fascinates me.  A lot of people sit back and politely listen and absorb.  I sometimes have to remind myself to do that.  Sometimes I need to verify information that they're giving so I can piece it together for myself in the grand scheme of voice work.  Maybe I just let my anxiety get to me and instead of breathing through it I'm giving myself a hard time for being excited about the work.  I need to trust that I know what I'm doing and have the right to speak.  This is not MMC.

We worked on resonance with Tara in Voice after lunch.  She reminded us that vibration is murdered by tension so we can't work on resonance until we get through some release work.  We also discussed optimum pitch, which is good information to have, but I don't know if I'll ever use it.  

Finally, we had Text with Paul Goodwin (works at RADA and just got the internship at the RSC!)  The class was focused on connection and relation to text, thought and feeling, impulse and rhythm.  For a three hour class, he covered all of that and then some.  I admitted to being a little intimidated by text work - after having some negative experiences with text work at MMC (in acting classes, never voice classes).  But I also noted that the work we'd done so far at CSSD has not been scary for me, at all.  Actually, it's been great to take that risk and realize I have a voice.  It's amazing what a positive environment can do for your work.  I need to work on trusting myself and having ownership of my words still, actively, everyday.  We did a lot of group work and some partner work with a piece from The Thebans by Sophocles.  Paul knew we'd had a long day (this class was 4pm-7pm) so he handled us well I think in that he kept it light and we were always moving and talking and sharing.  

I caught James, Jemima and Peter on our way home from school.  Sweet relief.

Reunited, and it feels so good.

James and I get on the bus every morning and ride on the top level.  James says it feels like we're driving the bus.  We're a bit overtired and silly.  James loves to ask me, "What are we doing?" when we get on the bus, awaiting my response: "We're driving the bus."

Tuesday

Limber with Katerina!  I don't know why anyone in their right mind would skip these - they are always fun, they always wake me up and they get us laughing - who can say they are laughing at 10am everyday?  She did an Australian themed limber (as she's Australian) mostly based in Lessac work of expanding and contracting.  She used a lot of "floating" images and being underwater.  Then we transitioned into voicing with a sharing exercise of picking a few sounds, exploring them with a partner, physicalizing them...and then adding more people into the group, adding the sounds together.  Then there were two large groups that had formed and we had to communicate and then listen.  It was a lot of fun.  Before you know it Katerina had covered: breath, alignment, touch of sound, resonance, articulation and physicalization.  We ended with a Frankie Armstrong exercise where someone stands in the middle of the circle and chooses three sounds.  The group riffs on those sounds, repeating them over and over, and taking it into the body.  The person in the middle conducts the sounds.  I wish we'd recorded it, we made some wonderful sounds together as a group.  

Phonetics with Rick.  Felt the first pang of anxiety about learning RP (Received Pronunciation aka proper British accent...what you'd hear on BBC)...I had no idea that Heathrow had emphasis on row....so you'd say "I'm from HeathROW" not HEATHrow.  What's this American girl to do?  Rick said I may have to look up a lot of words.  Great.  My ear training and phonetic knowledge otherwise is quite good.  I enjoy phonetics, but the RP police is going to get me if I can't pick it up quickly.  I feel like a lot of people are challenging Rick and asking questions a lot, which is a relief because I feel like they're getting excited about the work and I'm less self conscious.  My only real issue with Rick is that he can touch on a lot of different subjects within Phonetics and mention something but will say, "Oh, we'll get to that later."  So why talk about it now and stress people out?  A good point he made today about teaching phonetics to actors: "You are just teaching them how to drive.  You're not teaching them how to build the car."  

Practical Anatomy with Katerina.  We worked on breath capacity and the larynx.  Oh, the larynx.  The bane of my existence at the moment, trying to write a ten page paper about how the larynx functions in phonation.  Gotta love it.  

Wednesday

I was having a bad day because I was getting a bit anxious/overwhelmed with researching and my mentor standing me up.  The day started off really, really well.  I indulged by sleeping until about 10:30am, which after as poorly as I've been sleeping was just delicious, and I had felt my anxiety creeping up on me last night, so I decided to tread lightly.  But by sleeping in I missed breakfast hours, so I had a nice mid-morning banana and watched the coverage of Election Day and Obama's speech in Chicago.  I didn't have anyone to celebrate with and it seemed like nothing was any different here.  It was so quiet, as if this really epic event hadn't even happened.  I did a little victory dance in my room to "Good Day Sunshine" by the Beatles in my room and thought of Chesney in North Carolina.  She'd been director of the campaign in North Carolina and I was so damn proud of her I could barely contain myself.  

After a nice, long shower I headed to school.  Before I get on the bus I stop at a News Agent and buy two copies of The Times newspaper with a full color picture of Obama on the front.  One for Chesney and one for Patrick, my most politically active friends.  The woman behind the counter is talking to a customer and says something to the effect of "Yeah, they brought a lot of papers in because they thought we'd sell 'em with the Election.  Guess they thought it'd be a big deal."  I held out mine and said, " It is a big deal to me.  I'll take two.  That's my President."  I felt like I should've been in a campaign commercial or something.  I was whistling patriotic tunes on the way to the bus stop.  I just could not stop smiling.  

When I get to school I grab a bite to eat and dig into some good ol' anatomy literature in the library.  I was there for about two hours, and I guess this is where my day started to take a turn for the worst.  I was really looking forward to meeting my mentor Christine (recent MAVS grads were all assigned new MAVS students to mentor them through the year).  I had a lot of questions about teaching placement and finding a job afterwards, etc.  She'd confirmed on Sunday that we were meeting at the Hampstead Theatre's cafe across from school (I just wrote campus instead of school and laughed at myself).  I went over for 2:45pm (we were supposed to meet at 3pm) and waited til almost 4pm - no sign of her.  Before I knew it I'd taken down a 20 oz. Pepsi, carmel shortbread square and bag of crisps.  Stress eating, much?  I reminded myself I was just eating for some tangible comfort and tried not to feel too guilty about it.  It's difficult not to be hard on myself.  My self esteem is the first thing to go when I am anxious.  And when I am hard on myself it just perpetuates the anxiety.  It's a horrible cycle.  That's why I think I need to be busy all the time.  When I've exhausted every reason why she could be late, I give up and go back to the library.  

I watch an ANCIENT video from what looks like the 1940's about the larynx (voice box, adam's apple, whatever colloquial term you want to use) and take a ton of notes - only to find out that there's no information on who made it, what year - nothing.  I ask the librarian guy and he is puzzled, but of no help to me.  Who made this?  What year?  Who knows?!  Now I just wasted all that time watching a source I can't even cite.  Why do they have this film then!?!  Could my day get better from here?

I head down to the music practice rooms to meet with my tutor Tara.  She's run over ten minutes with the student before me.  I tell her I live in a catered hall and they stop serving food at 7pm, so I need to get out of there on time (i.e. 6:30pm) and she assures me that we will finish on time.  But this means my tutorial is only 20 minutes.  She asks about my buddy work with Kate.  I really thought based on the timetable and tutorial info we got at the beginning that we were going to be discussing the vocal profile.  So I felt a bit unprepared.  I'd worked the exercises she gave me, and I thought that's what we'd be doing and adding onto them.  That was not the case.  Kate and I had worked our lyric poems and done a warm up geared towards our vocal needs.  So I speak quickly about what we'd diagnosed for each other - Kate needing length in the neck, lifting the soft palate, and accessing movement in her mid-back.  For me Kate said I also need to free up the mid-back, need to find more space in my torso, and take ownership of my words.  I think I'm speaking clearly.  Tara tells me I need to be very specific with the terms I'm using to describe the voice and the body, etc.  In short, that I need to develop a glossary of terms to use in order to be very specific and also flexible when I am teaching.  I don't feel like I'm being very articulate because I am already feeling rushed and out of focus/off balance.  I wished I could just reschedule the whole tutorial so I could actually be prepared for what we're discussing.  I came in very prepared to talk about the exercises and my progress with them and was looking forward to getting more feedback on how that was going.  Then she had me read my lyric poem.  She asked me why I chose it and because I'd written at length in my journal why I chose it and how I felt about it - it was easy for me to speak about it.  But I hadn't analyzed it for structure, rhythm, images, etc so when she asked about what words stimulate emotion or images I blank out and stumble over my words trying to formulate my emotions into cohesive thoughts - and failing.  She stops me and very plainly says I need to develop my glossary of terms as a teacher so I can relate my experience with text to them.  I look at my watch - it is 6:40pm.  I am bursting at the seems and I feel like a big, inarticulate fool with my heart in my throat.  So I should take her advice with a grain of salt because I am doing the best I possibly can with the readings (I've read five books in the last five weeks and am onto book 6) but I can only do so much, you know?  And I know at this point anxiety is rearing it's ugly head so I'm feeling particularly self-deprecating and thinking I'm a horrible teacher and everyone is way ahead of me.  

I decide to take the tube home, which I think for some reason will be quicker.  Dumb.  Yes, faster, but also packed to edges with people who are all just as rushed as I am.  By the time I am off the tube I am hungry and claustrophobic and feeling ill and it is 7pm on the dot, i.e. the cafeteria is closing and I'm not even home yet.  So being the poor student not wanting to spend more than £3 for a meal I wouldn't have had to buy in the first place and being also the good American - I cave and with my head hung low walk into McDonald's.  So sad.  I haven't eaten this much junk food in maybe a year, so my stomach is rebelling like a hippie in the 60's.  When I get back Peter stops by to invite me to Primrose Hill for the bonfires.  Yes, Election Day and Guy Fawkes Day simultaneously - weee!  I turn them down, not wanting to be anywhere other than in the comfort of my own bed.  Even that notion is completely laughable.  A comfortable bed is not what I've got.  You should not be able to feel the springs in a comfortable mattress.  Hell, I can see the springs.  Can I even call it a mattress?  I have the skeleton of a thing that was once called a mattress.  No wonder why I can't sleep...Regardless, I wish I'd just asked Peter to come in and sit with me for a few minutes.  But I fear that I'd come apart at the seams.  I have a really hard time asking for help sometimes.  I'd rather not have someone think I'm "crazy"...it's hard to trust that someone won't do that.  

I'd been having trouble with my phone.  It wasn't ringing when someone called.  It'd ring when I'd get a text or voicemail, otherwise - nothing.  So I noticed I had a voicemail and when I listened to it - it was Kate.  She had just called to "make sure I was all right and to give me a small lecture" about how brilliant and very special she thought I was.  Not just as a student but as a person and potential teacher.  She said not to be too hard on myself (how did she know?!)  She also said I was very important to the group and to her.  She reminded me to have a good rest and do something that makes me feel good.  She's been so unbelievably good to me.  The most positive force in my course work.  It's like the exercise we've done where one of the partner's hand is on the back of the head and the other is on the sacrum to feel length and the opposition of lengthening up and grounding down.  She's been guiding me to stay grounded but also reminds me to move up and forward with ease.   I find comfort in the fact that Kate can see me as I am, even on bad days and without judgment - be my friend.

The only time I ever feel really homesick is when I'm anxious like that.  I wish I had more strength and could feel like I have the right to be exactly who I am.  I may very well wake up the next day and forget what it even felt like to feel that severity of anxiousness, but in that moment, it's really painful.  I instantly want to be transported home to someone who knows what I need when I am on the verge of an anxiety attack.  The five hour time difference does not help.  This experience isn't about the easy or comfortable.  That is apparent in the workload and intensity of the work itself.  I am learning to further develop my coping mechanisms for when I am alone.  My grandma sent me a really nice email reminding me she (and all of my loved ones) is always with me, regardless of distance.  Sorry if that sounds corny, but it made me feel so much better.  It reminded me everyone is supporting me and no one is expecting me to be perfect.  

Thursday

I actually was so tired from Wednesday (which was actually my day off, haha, crazy...) that I slept pretty well.  I had scheduled a buddy meeting with Kate in the morning.  I discussed what Tara had told me.  Tara had also said we need to have 3 exercises for each area of improvement, which is good - something specific for me to work on.  I spoke later to Katerina about assessment - like how do I know if Kate is learning what I'm teaching her?  Katerina is great about giving help; she suggested I go back to the anatomy, find out which muscles are involved in for example - jaw tension, and then find exercises from the books of leading practitioners (all on our book list) Barbara Houseman, Cis Berry, Kristin Linklater, Frankie Armstrong, Patsy Rodenburg, etc. (all who are coming to be our guest lecturers this year!) and get the exercises that facilitate those needs.  I love Katerina.  Tara also had advised me to write a reflective journal entry about my lyric poem, pulling it apart for those things she asked me about.  I also decided I want to write up a more formal lesson plan for each area of improvement so I have some more structure.  You know me, I love me some structure.  That way, I can have a framework and then diverge from it as necessary.  

Anatomy with Katerina was overwhelmingly dense.  I swear I could hear brains switching off about halfway through.  It was just so much information to take in.  Then we went to Microteaching (Pedagogy).  It surprises me that at the end of every session Katerina says basically the same thing, and no one takes it into their lesson planning.  She says very simply - Tell them what you're going to do, do the exercise and then tell them what they've done.  And she also says asks what the objective of the lesson or exercise was and how do you know you've achieved it.  It amazes me that people sometimes can't answer these questions.  Katerina says that objectives need to be specific (I'm learning this word is very important...) measurable, realistic, and timebound.  

Thursday was a long day too, we finished up with Group Dynamics with a former CSSD Counsellor named Keith Sylvester who's done a great deal of psychotherapy work and who is going to come in a few times throughout the year to help us with group dynamics in our teaching placements, dealing with individuals in a group, etc.  He asked us what we thought group dynamics was and we discussed it for a bit.  Then he asked us to take out a sheet of paper and for five minutes reflect on either a situation where the group worked well together or fell apart (could be social group, theatre, family, circle of friends, whatever).  I wrote about doing Footloose at NCTC.  It made me so happy to write about it, realizing how it had affected me.  Something about that show.  Halfway through I realized I could've written about doing Footloose at MHS.  I wrote how Jason was a great director who had us meeting regularly and had structured the rehearsals so well that they were predominantly ensemble rehearsals.  I also wrote how comfortable we felt in Jason's hands.  We were all new to this company so it forced us to get to know each other.  Most importantly, we were working towards the same goal - we want to put up an amazing show.  Jason allowed us to contribute creatively.  It was something that engaged us on all levels, physically, mentally, emotionally, musically!  We had a great chemistry as an ensemble because we were connecting outside of rehearsals as we got to know each other.  Peter and I found a connection and had our secret talks.  Katie and I bonded over musicals, Kyle and I bonded over having just done Wild Party together - it drew us closer.  Jason always brought us together, had us doubling over in laughter and kept it really light.  It was fun, how could you not have fun doing that show?!  Other people had some negative experiences and Keith spoke about what he observed had gone wrong, be it competitiveness, weak leaders, self-promotion, someone splintering the group, group maintenance, etc.  He had us sit on the ground in a huddle.  He asked us to each get up one at a time when he prompted "next please" and sit on the other side of the room.  The challenge was could we do it without more than one person getting up at a time.  You had to keep a rhythm to it.  We did it flawlessly, so we weren't really sure what the point was.  He said he'd never seen a group so acutely in tune to each other.  Usually people hesitate or fight or have abandonment issues.  This made me smile because it meant that we were really meshing as a group.  We really listen to each other.  

Keith spoke about how there are individuals and they work towards a task, but there is also the context field that affects them.  A context field could be, for example - education.  So this impedes on a group dynamic because maybe there is a limited budget or they're working for a grade.  He compared it (brilliantly) to Obama.  Keith said Obama spoke about changing the context field.  In this case the context field is the economy.  Obama simply asked "Do you want it to change or stay the same?"  The answer is clear.  That's why he won.  

Friday

Limber with Vicki.  Voice with Jacqui working on our sonnets.  

Storytelling with Budgie.  We had heard stories from the week before that we each brought to the group.  She had us in four groups about about 4 or 5 people and had us make a vignette of three images that we remember from the stories.  The stories were a contemporary version of The Princess and the Pea (told by Niamh), the story of Guy Fawkes (told by Lucinda) and a story we'd created by going around in a circle each adding one word as the story went on (it ended up being about squirrels, bizarrely enough).  

Budgie was so kind to take a few pictures of our images that we created:

Colin is the prince in Princess and the Pea and the girls are vying for his attention.  He clearly wants nothing to do with them.

Getting Nia into position for Princess and the Pea.  Thomas is the pea.  I love this picture, it makes me laugh every time I see it.  

This was the prince (playing video games) and the women trying to get his attention and failing.  

Guy Fawkes (Lizzie) being tortured.  We also did a great squirrel image that we didn't get a picture of.

Prince and the Princess getting married.

I really love my class.  They are so open to playing and sharing their thoughts.  When I think that the work is getting rough, they are always there to reassure me that they're having just as much trouble!  Hah.  I presented my story - The Crane Wife.  It's a story Zac told me last spring when he shared a Decemberists album called The Crane Wife with me.  I asked him about the first song on the album similarly named - Crane Wife 3.  I learned it on guitar and had sang/played some of it at the Tempest cast party by the fire at Thom's house.  I love this song and it's based on a Japanese story.  I took a big risk because I knew that everyone was a bit leary about telling their stories.  So when Budgie asked if anyone wanted to share their story I shot my hand up.  I was really trying to throw myself out there and go with it...I was a bit shaky but no one seemed to notice.  I really felt like I was an oracle, dropping the words into empty vessels and filling them with images.  I let the words tell the story, I didn't try to act it.  I didn't try to paint it with anything other than the images I had in my mind when Zac had told it to me.  I found myself becoming enveloped in it and as it came out of my mouth I realized I was being more specific with the details because I wanted them to feel the grass beneath their feet and see the stair case to the workshop where she was making the cloth, hearing it creak as he walked up it.  I felt like I was holding them in the palm of my hand.  I never thought I was good at telling stories or telling jokes, but I felt really good afterwards like I was capable of a lot more than I thought.  

Phew.  Friday is over.  Time to relax.  Just kidding.  I went to the library...

When I walk home from the bus stop, I am always warmed by the atmosphere of my neighborhood.  Good ol' W1.  From a distance it seems like cold, brick buildings with black shiny iron gates lining the street, but when you're walking past them you smell the dinners being prepared, you see the glow from kitchens and living rooms.  There are easels, marble countertops with candles on them, beautiful art on the walls (yes, these people have a lot of money) but there is a richness (not even just in the monetary sense) about the W1.  And they all keep their windows open so others can see just how well they're living.  And I'm so jealous :)

Saturday

I went to the library from 1pm-3:30pm then home.  I went to the gym instead of going out, like a dummy.  I just didn't want to give myself an excuse not to go.  I really only can go three or four times a week and I'm paying enough for it, that I really should be going as much as I can.  And saving my pub money for another day!  

October 26th - November 1st

October 26th-November 1st

Sunday

A very boring but productive Sunday.  I got up to eat brunch with the usuals only to be confused by the fact that I'd really woken up an hour too early because of Daylight Savings Time...I was already up and awake, not to mention hungry.  Let's just say I was not very happy, but I got some reading done.  An hour later I had brunch with James, Jemima and Peter.  I went to the gym, I blogged, I journaled, I shopped for groceries, I budgeted. I had dinner with Jemima and Peter; James was at work.  I had a nice chat with Jemima and then went to bed.

Monday

Monday morning we met Natacha (like Natasha but Colombian) who is our Alexander Technique instructor.  We looked at three skeletal posters, one with the entire body, one with just the skull and one with just the spine.  We made observations in small groups about all of them.  Then we observed a partner sitting and standing.  I worked with Jeff.  We noted observations and shared as a group that most everyone tilts their head back when they get out of a chair.  She related everything back to F. M. Alexander, which was useful as a framework for the lesson.  She said he developed his technique by making observations about himself.  He had trouble, as an actor and orator, to speak and not lose his voice.  So he made observations but realized he couldn't do it solely by feeling it.  So he surrounded himself with mirrors, and also made observations about his brother.  She gave us directions to try the sitting and standing again.  Almost everyone compensated by tilting their chin down.  She said that she had just told us to THINK about the neck being long and the head not tilting back.  She had never said to DO that, just THINK it.  We have to discover a new way to move.  Our bodies want the path of least resistance, and when we find it - it will gravitate to that habit.  We just have to keep inhibiting the old habit.  She compared it to crossing your arms.  We did this and then she said to do it with the other arm on top and notice how it felt.  It felt strange and almost uncomfortable when you stayed there for too long.  She said that at first we will run back to our old habits because they're comfortable.  We need to develop the muscularity needed to balance efficiently.  That's why my lower back has been hurting because I haven't used those muscles until now - now that I'm fixing my alignment and posture.  I put this picture in my journal which I thought was really funny and appropriate:

Then Kate and I met to share our lyric poems.  I'd been toying with "who know if the moon's" by ee cummings and "i carry your heart in my heart" by the same.  Here's what I was choosing between:

who knows if the moon's  

a balloon,coming out of a keen city  

in the sky--filled with pretty people?  

(and if you and i should    

get into it,if they  should take me and take you into their balloon,  

why then 

we'd go up higher with all the pretty people

    

than houses and steeples and clouds:  

go sailing  

away and away sailing into a keen  

city which nobody's ever visited,where  

always

        it's

              Spring)and everyone's  

in love and flowers pick themselves

or

i carry your heart with me(i carry it  in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere  

i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done  

by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                    i fear  

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want 

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)  

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant  

and whatever a sun will always sing is you    

here is the deepest secret nobody knows  

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud  

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows  

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)  

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart    

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

I initially leaned towards "who knows if the moon's" because I love it and I worked it in Thom's Voice I class as a sophomore at CCSU.  But I decided to go with the "uncomfortable" one and take a risk like they've been pushing us to.  I chose "i carry your heart in my heart" for a few reasons.  I first looked at it because my sister loves it.  I remember seeing her quote it after I'd known it for a while.  I was glad she found it and connected to it.  She's someone's who's been in a long, long distance relationship for 6 years, so I can see why she associates with it.  For me, it's not really a presumptuous thing to say that they're going to eventually (emphasis on eventually) get married because I have known for a long time that it will happen.  I always pictured myself reciting this at their wedding reception.  I used to think I'd sing something, but this is subtle and poignant and...beautiful.  So is their love for each other.  Yeah, yeah, boo hoo, I'm being mushy because I love my sister and David, and am happy they're happy.  Yes, I realize they aren't even engaged yet - that's fine.  I'm still going to do this lyric poem as my first Expressive Voice Project (a big end of the term presentation in December) because I can so clearly imagine them as my audience.  I also, at the same time, feel like a small part of me is saying this poem to a love that I have yet to find.  I can imagine how I would feel if someone meant so much to me that I felt compelled to say this to them.  Someday.  

At 2pm we went to Voice with Tara.  Lots of technical stuff that I don't feel like typing about.

Came home, had dinner.  Don't remember what I did.  Chances are, had a lovely chat with Adrianne and went to bed.

Tuesday

Limber w/Katerina!  We played this really silly game to warm up called Cat & Mouse.  I know, even as I'm typing it, that some people will think - again, "This is an MA course?  All you do is play games!"  And I think it as we're doing it - there are 30, 40, and 50 year old men and women in my course running around, giggling like kids on a playground.  But I can't express how important it is to play.  When you're truly at play - you are the most vocally free.  You're not thinking about speaking or breathing the right way.  You're running around, getting excited and playing.  You're thinking about the game, not the voice. Here are the rules to Cat & Mouse if you're (as Robin Williams would say) playing the home game: Two people stand with their arms linked and their other hand on their hip.  There is a "cat" who chases the odd person out - the "mouse"...and when the mouse links onto a pair, the person on the other side of the person who's now in the middle - becomes the mouse.  You really have to pay attention.  At 9am - this game is great to get you to wake up and get moving.  We also did a visualization, a little movement and then we learned a Nigerian song. It was really fun and energetic.  We agreed to record it so we could use it later.

Then we had Practical Anatomy with Katerina where we did a visualization of walking around in the cold and then having it get gradually warmer, the tension melting away.  We learned a Qi Gong breathing exercise, which really marries the ribs and abdominal support.  Then asked us to devise a physical theatre piece in groups of 5 or 6 on the process of respiration.  My group worked like a machine, it was fun.  Another group did theirs like a big abstract entity, the other group ran around the room, connected by the hands making the different anatomical sources: ribs, trachea, etc.  We had a good laugh and were proud to present them.  

After that class we met Natacha in groups of 4 for Alexander tutorials, which would be for a few weeks, every Tuesday.  It was good.  She said, "You've had one-on-one Alexander lessons, right?"  I said, "Um, no I've never had an Alexander lesson."  She was really surprised.  I don't know what that means because I wasn't sure exactly what I was doing, but she said just to go with it and NOT think about it too much.  Haha.  Right....that.

I hung out with James and out of nowhere, it starts to snow.  Snow in London?  This was a big deal for Londoners because they are lucky if they see snow once or twice a year.  So with that considered, it's even more unheard of for it to snow on October 28th.  There were people outside running in the streets, laughing like they'd never seen snow in their lives.  They were making mini snow men with the snow that collected on top of the cars.  

I just kept thinking, "Um...it's a flurry...what's the big deal?"  I was happy to see my first snow and to be in London when I saw i though.  I love snow, and I know I'll be missing the buckets and buckets of it that you all will be getting in the states.  I'll miss the crunch of it under my boots.  I doubt anyone will go tubing but if they do when they go to Niagara Falls for Christmas....oh wait - who am I kidding?  My family will be in a tropical paradise that is Hawaii for Christmas....and Tim and I will be freezing our asses off in France!  I can't wait! (read: seriously though I can't wait, no sarcasm, except for a little with the freezing bit.)  

  

Couldn't decide if I liked the picture with flash or w/out flash...

James really hates snow, so he's totally pretending to be enjoying it in this picture...

What's the big deal?  You think this is snow...?  Apparently you've never seen upstate New York in the dead of winter buried somewhere beneath the snow...

In the morning it looked as it we'd just dreamt that it'd snowed.  No sign of it.  Bizarre, and disappointing.  That was probably the last time I'd see snow until I moved home.  I felt comforted when I remembered I brought my DVD of White Christmas with me in case things get really desperate.  I'm going to force Tim to watch it on Christmas with me.  My Christmas won't be complete without it.  

Wednesday

Don't worry, I'm studying on my private study day.  But I am also seeing remarkably reduced price theatre in the evenings because I'm a student and will capitalize on student rates!  We've been getting tickets through this nonprofit organization called Mousetrap who gets students 18-25 years old West End tickets for £10.  They also get us talk-backs with the cast after the shows, which is the best part.  For £10!

We decided to walk to the theatre (oh yeah, we're about a 25 minute walk from the West End, which still blows my mind) and on the way James told me we'd be passing an overly lit store front that had its Christmas lights up.  When walked past we had to remind ourselves that it was only October 29th!  I can just imagine what NYC looks like already.  But they (for very obvious reasons) don't celebrate Thanksgiving here, so there's no holiday to look forward to before Christmas.  

This is James saying, "What were they thinking?!"

We saw Six Characters In Search of An Author (originally by Pirandello) but it's been updated and rewritten many times since then, so it has relevant references and modern views.  I was really excited to see it because James had raved about it earlier.  We have developed a routine for photos we take when we see shows now.  

One: shot of the theatre - The John Gielgud Theatre

Two: shot near the poster outside the theatre.

Three: shot of where we sat!  Yes, that's right - second row!

  

Four: abstract shots of the theatre.

  

Five: programme pic!

  

Six: waspy couple shot.

When I opened the program I realized who the lead actor was....Ian McDiarmid...aka Senator Palpatine (the bad guy) from the later Star Wars movies.   And so, in meeting the cast after the show (which was one of the best naturalistic shows I've ever seen) we met, you guessed it:  Ian McDiarmid!   We would've started this "Let's meet someone famous" picture to our routine but Kenneth Branagh left right away so we missed him at Ivanov.  We did NOT, however, miss out on this opportunity.  So being the brassy American with no qualms about talking to famous people - I asked him very politely for a photo.  He sighed and looked down and said, "Oh, well now everyone will want one..."  But we were just so damn cute, how could he not!?

Ian (explicative) McDiarmid

We were beaming the whole way home and laughing, looking at the picture over and over.  A few minutes would pass and James would chime in, "Hey, we just met Ian F***ing McDiarmid."  And I would reply, "Yes, dear.  We sure did."  And a few minutes would pass and I'd say the same thing.  Haha.  I was worried Ian didn't like me because he seemed a bit reluctant to take a picture with us.  But I said jokingly that I'd never see him again, but stopped dead in my tracks realizing that he works at the RSC and I'd just had an opportunity to apply for an internship there as a vocal coach.  We laughed about that too.  I would lose my mind if I had the opportunity to be a vocal coach for Ian (explicative) McDiarmid.  In case you don't know who he is by this picture, here's a little reminder: 

He seems like a classy guy at first as Senator Palpatine, then becomes Chancellor Palpatine...

I found this when I looked for a picture of him - hilarious!  Then he turns into this creeper.

(Since when do I know so much about Star Wars?!)  Anyway - that was my wonderful Wednesday night with James, who I adore.

Thursday

Where has this week gone?!  Went to Limber at 9am, Vicki running it.  She's one of my favorite instructors.  Then we went to Anatomy with Katerina where we finished up covering the muscles of exhalation, talked about forced exhalation, blah, blah - no one wants to hear about this stuff.  I think it's really interesting and always have, in a geeky way that I think I tried to hide when I was at MMC.  I like to know how things work and why.  It's even more interesting when those things are a part of me.  

Met up with Kate to do some buddy work.  After having chatted about our lyric poems, we did a lot of exercises with them.  We spoke them for just the vowels, then for consonants, hummed, clapped at the punctuation, sung/intoned them, pressing against each other's hands and then getting the other person to turn around while you spoke it at them.  

I spent some time at the library afterwards doing some research for the anatomy essay.

Friday

Limber with Vicki!  We did a lot of partnered massaging with spine rolls - divine.  Nothing makes me more aware of breath and alignment than spine rolls.   And they're so good for you.  More Qi Gong breathing exercises, articulation and finally learned a song.  

Our instructor for Practical Voice (Jacqui) was out of town speaking at a funeral, but gave us an assignment to work on a sonnet (she gave us about six to choose from, among them 130, 116, 55, and 29).  Kate chose Sonnet 130 (My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun...) and I chose 29 because I wanted to challenge myself to find this sonnet on a new level.  I'd worked it in Thom's class before, but never liked it.  So I thought I would try to find something new in it that I could connect fully with.  I had so many memories associated with the others too, mostly with 130.  I remembered hearing Rob do it, and I remember more recently seeing Mikey D perform it in the Voice I class I was TA for.  We did some of the same exercises we did for our lyric poems.  

After a longer lunch than usual, we went to Storytelling with Budgie.  Today's class was focused on images, emotions and the power of our words.  We had small group discussions about why we tell stories, why we need storytelling for the MAVS course, what makes a good storyteller and compared it to acting.  We did an exercise making a story out of seven words (words can be repeated) with a partner.  

I hurried home after class to eat dinner, shower and get ready for the storytelling show we were seeing run by the Vayu Naidu Company above a nice pub near London Bridge.  It was called Talking Spirits (oh yeah, it's Halloween, but you'd never know because they practically avoid celebrating it, sad)...I forgot my camera, so unfortunately I can visually share this place with you.  Peter came with me.  The tube ride was long and we made it just in time.  About half of the people from my course, as well as Katerina and Budgie showed up.  They had this room above the pub that had candles lit, big, tall windows with no curtains, old wooden chairs and leather couches.  It was really nice to be with people from my course outside of the classroom.  I also hadn't spent much time with Pete lately so it was good to catch up with him.  After the show we headed home.  Another long day but a weekend ahead to catch up on sleep!

Saturday

I stayed in bed until about 10am, then had brunch with James.  I tried to read in bed when I got back from brunch but I fell asleep again.  When I got up I went to the gym and took a shower.  I did some blogging and emailing.  I transferred some notes from this week from my notebook into my journal and did some reflective writing.  Then before I knew it, it was time for dinner.  Peter had left that morning to spend the weekend in Cambridge with his girlfriend.  Jemima was ill and James had work.  It forced me to work a bit longer than I wanted to, but it was good to get everything settled.

Election Day.

We did it.

I wish I was home to celebrate this day with my family and friends.  I wish I was in NYC to feel the pulse of today and the hope flooding through the streets.  I wish I could see Chesney and we could scream at the top of our lungs and laugh and laugh because there would be no words to describe how today feels.  I can't wait to pick up a newspaper here and say, "Yes, that's my country," and feel so damn proud that we've opened our eyes to tomorrow, and said, in fact - YES. WE. CAN.

There is nothing like one of the most important days in history being made - and for me to be 3,000 miles from it - to make me completely homesick.  Love to you all.  

Montville Abroad.

Tentative title for this post was "Broads Abroad"...I want to start this post by noting the hilarity that ensues in the interchange between Leipzig, Germany and London, UK at all hours of the day thanks to Skype.  So many of our conversations have me laughing hysterically in my room.  If Adrianne wasn't experiencing this at the same time as me, sometimes I don't know what I'd do.  Hah.  

A taste of the daily Leipzig-London exchange:

Me: the unspoken is often the most important....i'm waiting for an "ah, thanks buddha, good call" haha

Her: you're like my relationship yoda

Me: oh, the irony!

Me: my family is seeing robin williams tonight!

Her: i know i read!  those bastards!  i read that, and then my mom told me they were having steak for dinner!  i was like really?  why does the US have everything i want?

Me: why did we leave the country again?

Her: sack of money in foreign currency.

Me: ah yes...so good.

Me: do you have the song "i like big butts"?

Her: ...no

Me: my buddy for voice class is doing a sonnet that's about this guy who loves this woman even though she's not stereotypically attractive.

Her: ooooh

Me: she did the sonnet and i said, "yeah it's kind of like that song 'i Like Big Butts'" and she said, "i've never heard that song!"  i was shocked.  i can't believe i know almost all of the words...

Her: omg. that song is an institution.  it's amazing how many nerdy white men know them.

Me: truly.

Her: i just never feel right eating nothing but a bowl of vegetables for dinner.

Her: and i'm thinking...do you really think I got here by being a slacker, and that I would blow that off? (re: GREs)

Me: you have a great schedule, and free time - enough so that you're taking CCD classes, violin lessons.  i think we're overachievers.  seriously, do they not know that we're kicking ass and taking names?  that's my job description.

Her: someone upstairs is like...moving furniture.  at 12:30 in the morning.

Me: that was me last week.  

I am finding that I spend my weekends updating this blog and writing emails and keeping my nose stuck in a voice book (one of the many on the reading list for this term) as well as journalling until my hand feels like it will fall off.  It's 2am now, why am I not tired?

October 19th-25th

October 19th-25th

Sunday

Went to the gym.  Kicked my ass.  Had dinner with Pete, then journaled and relaxed.

Monday

Movement with Debbie.  We talked about grounding oneself and the importance of the feet.  We did some more work on the floor being still, then work with undulating the spine.  

Ate a quick lunch and then had Voice with Tara.  We learned more positions of what she calls "Vocal Floor Barre" which works from the floor to standing.  We had a discussion about natural versus habitual, and also talked about how to explain the experience of experiencing voice work.  We did an exercise with a partner where they were in child's pose (aka prayer position, folded leaf, there are like 12 names for this) it's where you're folded in a ball, on your knees, folded so that your upper body is on your thighs.  The partner puts their hands on the lower ribs of the person in child's pose.  Your attention goes to three separate things: 1) Know what rib swing feels like - can you isolate it?  2) Rate and speed of ribs falling - is it consistent?  3) Responsiveness of the diaphragm (thought is breath).  I was really surprised by how when I let go of concentration on breath, and just really breathe, the diaphragm and ribs do their thing.  Release is - divine.

We had Text with Katerina at the end of the day.  We did a little warm up and then she handed out strips of paper with words on them.  She instructed us to "put the poem together" by only saying what's on our paper, without saying "I think you go over before me" or "I think you're first."  It was a huge challenge for someone like me who likes to put things together the right way.  Quickly I learned I needed to relax and focus on our interpretation of it.  My text was:

It was born

in blood, the word

grew in the dark body, beating

and flew through the lips and the mouth.  

Time ran out and Katerina had us read it aloud, as we were.  We talked about the images.  Then she handed out the actual poem - The Word by Pablo Neruda.  I don't know what the psychology behind this is - but my section of text was the beginning, the first line, and I had never thought for a moment that I was first.  We read aloud the actual Neruda poem.  We realized it was so entirely different, the images poured out differently.  We did a couple other exercises, Cic Berry ones, walking and speaking until you reach punctuation then changing direction.   Really effective ways to dig under the surface of the text.  Most important thing I learned today is that imagination creates feeling.  So many people lack imagination, what with technology handing us images, a total lack in youth reading (man, that makes me sound old!) and books made into movies.  Imagination takes practice too.

Tuesday

We had Limber with Katerina in the morning.  Then Phonetics with Rick.  Intro to IPA symbols.  Weee!! (Read: everyone is terrified)  He had us take markers and create pictures that look like the symbols based on what the sound is.  Sounds complicated, but it was really like being in the third grade:

  

Oh yeah, the one on the top left that is so ENTIRELY politically incorrect, yes that's right it's the sound "yuh" whose symbol is strangely enough "j" and what's the word I use?

That's right, folks, "yankee" with a big American flag flapping in the breeze.

  

Rick is very funny.  He uses physical life for the accents he uses.  The picture on the left is Lancashire, "sheuooh" for the word "shoe" :)

Then we had Practical Anatomy with Katerina.  Theme: Conscious Awareness of Release and Ease (Read: I wish Thom was here, because he loves this stuff).  My notes are complex, I don't even know where to begin.  Sometimes we get halfway through a lesson and I think, "Man, I wish I was teaching this at CCSU"...or MMC or to kids at NCTC or running a warm up for Zac's show.  I get so excited about what we're doing that I want to immediately be "beamed" to the states and teaching what I'm learning.

Chris (on the right), who's just finished working on Dirty Dancing in the West End, teaches our Austrian friend Thomas - a little "technique" before Practical Anatomy began

I had a meeting with my buddy Kate to do our diagnostics for our vocal profile.  For my diagnostic I want to work internally to externally, feeling rather than seeing.  Imagery/imagination practice, finding space in my torso because I collapse it (can we say "anxiety disorder"?) and ownership of my words (aka trusting that I have the right to speak, thank you Patsy Rodenberg).  I "diagnosed" Kate and figured out what I wanted to work on with her.  We talked briefly about her accent (a soft Irish accent with much RP training/experience).  I had her say "copper coffee pot" in her accent.  I asked her what happens in her mouth when she says words with "r" in them.  I asked her very specifically where her tongue touches in her mouth.  She spoke about everything except the back of her tongue.  Then I had her do an exercise that lifts the soft palate, exhale a little "kuh" and then inhale on "aww" and the soft palate lifts effortlessly.  I had her say the "copper coffee pot" limerick again.  The "r" is softened and her face lights up.  "You're a genius!" she shouts.  We laugh hysterically about how ridiculous it was that it worked so instantly.  We laugh together; we're so excited at the prospect of making change within ourselves and each other.  Kate is not just a good buddy, she's becoming a great friend.  

Wednesday

Gym in the morning, feeling productive.  4pm tutorial with Tara.  She gave me a few really great exercises to get my sound and breath lower.  Then home for dinner.  AND THEN!

Ivanov with James.  The star of this beautiful Chekhovian play: not Kenneth Branagh, now after seeing him we can only refer to him as Kenneth F***ING Branagh!   That is how impressed we were with it.  Jaw to the floor, unsuspecting brilliance.

 

THE DONMAR!

  

There's a guy behind James that James claims is on T.V.  I wouldn't know.  I love his little smug face saying, "Oh, we're being so sly pretending to take a picture just so I can figure out who this guy is when we get home."  Then I wanted a picture near the poster of the season (including Madame De Sade with Judi Dench and Hamlet with Jude Law).

Okay, so we didn't have the best seats in the house, but we were VERY happy, regardless...just to be there.  

  

The "I'm-Holding-The-Programme" shot.  This will become a ritual for us.  Just you wait.  We don't care that we're in the back.  The Donmar is such a perfect space that you could hear a whisper onstage.  

We got a "talk back" with the Associate Director, Ben Woolf after the show.  He was a very young, intelligent man, whom at first glance would not think he held such an important role in the production of Ivanov at the Donmar.  He approached me and James after the show because we were the first ones there.  Once we realized who he was we were a bit shocked.   Then on the way out we walked by the stalls seats (aka orchestra seats) and we peaked our heads in.  

  

Sigh....a gorgeous theatre.  The picture on the right speaks for itself...but when we got there someone came out and said, "If you're here to meet Ken - he's gone already."  There was an audible "Awww..." from the small crowd.

Thursday

Limber at 9am with Vicki.  Played Zip-Zap-Boing, not to be confused with Zip-Zap-Zop.  I realize, people reading this may be thinking something to the effect of, "You're playing games all day!  You're not earning an MA!"  If only I could truly voice (no pun intended) my honest response to that notion.  Haha.  Zip = you clap and say zip in one direction, it keeps going in that direction, zip, zip, zip around the circle until someone changes it by saying "zap" which they send to someone across from them, who then can zip or zap.  To change direction of the zipping you can saying "boing" and throw your arms up and they have to go back in the direction it came.  We did some Alexander floor work.  Then after some voicing and spine rolls (because truly, what limber is complete without at least one divine spine roll?) we did a tongue twister that's still kicking my ass:  A box of biscuits, a box of mixed biscuits and a biscuit mixer.  Yeah, try that one out a few times and get back to me....

(I am laughing at you saying bixed miscuits and mixit bisker.)

Then Anatomy with Katerina to review respiration.  Brain sends a message to the phrenic nerve to stimulate the diaphragm to contract (yes I realize you're skimming by now) then the ribs simultaneously expand like an umbrella, the negative pressure in the thoracic cavity causes air to rush in.  Okay, I'll stop there, for now at least.  We learned about muscles and how they work, and how tendons work and contraction versus release.  

After Anatomy we went to Microteaching for the second group to run their show.  Then Katerina talked about how to write an essay.  Do I need that?  I sighed, relieved to be refreshed with what she's looking for in a very concrete way.  But forgive me, because I am fresh out of undergrad and the majority of the people on my course haven't written an essay in 10 years.  I wrote 15 page paper less than a year ago.  I can't imagine not writing for that long.  I would be terrified to write again after that much time had passed.  I guess that's where the emphasis with the Reflective Journal comes into play.  

Friday

Limber in the morning with Vicki.  I am always amazed by how much she gets accomplished in one hour.  I get a little disappointed that people don't come to the Limbers, granted, they are optional...by why wouldn't you come to them?!  It's as much a part of the process as anything else.  After that we went to Vocal Practice with Jacqui.  I never take notes in this class because we are always moving and when we're done with the class, I can't ever remember what we did.  It's nice to let go and not worry about the order of things.  Just be present in the work and GO.  I did take a couple pictures though:

  

My class, all huddled together for a text exercise we were working on.  Then a picture of Jacqui Crago, aka ball of fire.

 

That afternoon we met the very wise Robert Price, a MAVS grad, who now teaches at Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts.  This workshop has been the most...I guess the word is awesome (with the original meaning of awe-inspiring, not awesome, dude!) for me.  The workshop was on Feldenkrais - mind to body connection.  He encouraged us to breathe as we wanted and to "waste time"...oh yes, you read that right.  Waste time.  Waste time?!  As a twenty-something New Englander - this an extremely hard concept for me.  But when you give over to that concept...it's incredible.  I wish I could explain it in words...but no words can suffice for the release that comes from verily giving in to...yourself.  I guess it is what meditation is about.  

That night I went to the SU Bar with James, Peter and Jemima.  It was "pink" night for breast cancer awareness/charity.  James had this particular Friday off, so we were definitely going out!  

I love this picture of them.  I wish I was in it.

Our bus ride (on the top level of the double decker) adorned in our "pink"...I'm very "ungirly" in regards to wearing/having an affinity for the color pink, so Jem let me borrow her huge African looking pink earrings.  Peter was trying to do that "looking-far-off-intense-model-pose"...Hah.

A whirlwind photograph montage of the rest of the night.  

Sometimes I think James and I live in an extremely dysfunctional musical.